not happy?
Mar. 6th, 2009 03:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chu_totoroI was asked multiple times today if I was OK because I looked tired, or not even exactly that, just, "I don't know, not happy."
Is this what happened to Boitz? Is this why he always seems that much more on the edge than he used to be, and only relaxes to laugh off the tension on a rare good day, like today?
I feel as though I've forgotten how to be happy. People say stuff and I smile, and sometimes I mean it and sometimes I don't, but even when I do it wears off so fast. It's like I'm preoccupied, like a preoccupied smile, brief and distracted and the feeling gone before I even know where it's gone. But what am I preoccupied with? What is there to be preoccupied over?
I remember freshmen year, it was so easy to be amused all the time. By anything. And as I am right now I can still see the amusing side to everything, how it can be construed as an amusing event, and I grin for seeing it but the smile doesn't reach my eyes. It is a tightening of the muscles around my mouth and jaw, that's it. I can't make myself mean it.
In some ways it's even worse than wallowing in self-pity or misery or w/e because I'm not blind to myself. I can still see, I see myself and I want to feel and I go through the motions but I don't, it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm wrong and I just think I can see but really I am utterly utterly blind to what is really wrong. Not that that helps me.
Maybe it's just that everybody's gone. They all graduated, group after group and now it's just me, me and my class which I was never close to anyway and there's nothing left. School is devoid of color.
God, now that I think about it there used to be so many of them. So many people, all gone. So many connections, all gone. It's overwhelming just to think of the hallway the way it used to be. No wonder life seems so much emptier.
But that can't be the whole of it. Or maybe it is. God, I don't know. Have I forgotten how to be happy? Or has happiness forgotten me?
Is this what happened to Boitz? Is this why he always seems that much more on the edge than he used to be, and only relaxes to laugh off the tension on a rare good day, like today?
I feel as though I've forgotten how to be happy. People say stuff and I smile, and sometimes I mean it and sometimes I don't, but even when I do it wears off so fast. It's like I'm preoccupied, like a preoccupied smile, brief and distracted and the feeling gone before I even know where it's gone. But what am I preoccupied with? What is there to be preoccupied over?
I remember freshmen year, it was so easy to be amused all the time. By anything. And as I am right now I can still see the amusing side to everything, how it can be construed as an amusing event, and I grin for seeing it but the smile doesn't reach my eyes. It is a tightening of the muscles around my mouth and jaw, that's it. I can't make myself mean it.
In some ways it's even worse than wallowing in self-pity or misery or w/e because I'm not blind to myself. I can still see, I see myself and I want to feel and I go through the motions but I don't, it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm wrong and I just think I can see but really I am utterly utterly blind to what is really wrong. Not that that helps me.
Maybe it's just that everybody's gone. They all graduated, group after group and now it's just me, me and my class which I was never close to anyway and there's nothing left. School is devoid of color.
God, now that I think about it there used to be so many of them. So many people, all gone. So many connections, all gone. It's overwhelming just to think of the hallway the way it used to be. No wonder life seems so much emptier.
But that can't be the whole of it. Or maybe it is. God, I don't know. Have I forgotten how to be happy? Or has happiness forgotten me?
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 06:54 pm (UTC)