not happy?

[chu_totoro]

I was asked multiple times today if I was OK because I looked tired, or not even exactly that, just, "I don't know, not happy."

Is this what happened to Boitz? Is this why he always seems that much more on the edge than he used to be, and only relaxes to laugh off the tension on a rare good day, like today?

I feel as though I've forgotten how to be happy. People say stuff and I smile, and sometimes I mean it and sometimes I don't, but even when I do it wears off so fast. It's like I'm preoccupied, like a preoccupied smile, brief and distracted and the feeling gone before I even know where it's gone. But what am I preoccupied with? What is there to be preoccupied over?

I remember freshmen year, it was so easy to be amused all the time. By anything. And as I am right now I can still see the amusing side to everything, how it can be construed as an amusing event, and I grin for seeing it but the smile doesn't reach my eyes. It is a tightening of the muscles around my mouth and jaw, that's it. I can't make myself mean it.

In some ways it's even worse than wallowing in self-pity or misery or w/e because I'm not blind to myself. I can still see, I see myself and I want to feel and I go through the motions but I don't, it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm wrong and I just think I can see but really I am utterly utterly blind to what is really wrong. Not that that helps me.

Maybe it's just that everybody's gone. They all graduated, group after group and now it's just me, me and my class which I was never close to anyway and there's nothing left. School is devoid of color.

God, now that I think about it there used to be so many of them. So many people, all gone. So many connections, all gone. It's overwhelming just to think of the hallway the way it used to be. No wonder life seems so much emptier.

But that can't be the whole of it. Or maybe it is. God, I don't know. Have I forgotten how to be happy? Or has happiness forgotten me?

Comments

[yokainomiko.livejournal.com]

Oh Adela,

I think everyone goes through the times when they feel like it's impossible to smile. I don't know how many times I had to lose myself in fanfiction or manga just to feel like I'm really feeling anything at all.

But I'm sorry that we've all graduated. You should call me or something sometimes. My classes all end pretty early in the day so you can call or text me I think guaranteed after school gets out for you during the week. My latest day is until 4pm on Tuesdays so that's 1pm for you...

I miss you guys so much too. I've made two really great friends and some nice aquaintances but whenever someone talks about math I remember our days in AP Calc together and I'm thinking of summer schooling physics so I keep thinking of that first semester we took. And of course poetry. Oh God I miss all of my poetry friends so much. I actually fit in with you guys. It was a great feeling. Damn it, now I'm getting all teary eyed...

[chu-totoro.livejournal.com]

As a sign of most epic fail, I - do not have the ability to text. Or rather, my phone does, but no text will go through because we didn't pay for it. ;;;;

But thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I can still call, after all. (:

[yokainomiko.livejournal.com]

No one from home ever texts me because they don't have plans. I have no idea how my sisters managed to find people that they need unlimited texting for.

[dareonion.livejournal.com]

haha, wait until senior year of college and you'll know what burnout REALLY is.