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[chu_totoro]

It's strange. There are so many things I would like to say to a friend of mine - whom I actually see around all the time - but for some reason we never seem to talk, or when we do, we talk about inconsequential things. And when we do I think of more things I could say later, when we have time to talk privately, but then we never do and I never say them.

And I think this is almost an all-around thing. Except in most cases, I don't even have anything I want to say to people outside the inconsequential stuff. And it really makes me wonder - what am I doing? Who am I? What am I living for?

I feel as though I've lost my ability to care and can't get it back. It's easy enough to laugh and joke with others, to talk and to chat and to babble, but at the end of the day it all seems so shallow. So empty. We talk and we talk, but what do we talk about? Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I think maybe I've lost the focus to my life because I no longer know what I'm fighting for. Or rather, there is nothing left for me right now that I genuinely want to fight for. I don't know. Maybe I'm stressed. But I don't think so. I distinctly recall being far, far more stressed in junior year and it wasn't like this. The work right now is nothing. Easy. I can handle it. It's more like I have a life and I'm living it, but I don't know why I'm living it. I go through all the damn motions without feeling anything. All the colors seeped out of the world when I wasn't looking and now I can't, I can't get them back...

Comments

[skypemaster007.livejournal.com]

This totally sounds like something I would say, which probably means you're depressed :O

[chu-totoro.livejournal.com]

...yeah, probably.

And the fact that I'm agreeing with you instead of making a snappish retort about stating the obvious must indicate that something is seriously wrong. =.=

[fwufferz.livejournal.com]

You know, I've thought about this before (well, somewhat), and I have to say that most conversation is going to be about inconsequential things. Sometimes I ask myself, "What did we talk about?" Most of the time I can't remember.

That's not to say that conversations can't be deep and profound, but I just think there are certain times and places for these types of conversations. Also, I guess, certain people. Not really an everyday occurrence.

I used to feel bad about insignificant talk, but I've realized that the topic of conversation isn't that important. Rather, the act of talking, the feeling of camaraderie, and just enjoying the laughing/joking/chatting/babbling is what makes it worth it.

As to the last paragraph..you say you don't know why you're living your life. Isn't this just the classic question regarding the meaning of life? I went and reread my really old post about it recently (or maybe I reread it a couple of months back..) and I remember you made a comment along the lines of "Who cares? Just live life for the sake of it being life." What happened to this take on life?

I find that I really disagree with the people who ask you to specifically pinpoint a goal in life that you're aiming for. If you feel like you're lacking something in life, then life will make you feel like you're lacking something. But: "I have a life and I'm living it." Bravo! You have a life and that is why you're living it. The colors only seeped out of your world because you looked away. They'll come back when you let them.

[chu-totoro.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know that. I mean, I live that. That is the philosophy of my life.

I'm not intentionally looking away. It's not as if I'm holding it out on myself with my thoughts (which I know some people do); it really... seeped away. It's like I'm there, everything's there, but it's all grey and I have to really make an effort to force the colors back and when I don't really pay attention it slips again and I don't really have the energy to keep pushing it back, again and again.

I think the crux of it is that I'm tired (and have been for the last week...?). Positivity takes energy to maintain, and I'm all burned out. And I could muster up what little spark I have left into keeping an energetic attitude but I... don't... which I guess shows how lazy I am (well it'll get me running for awhile but I'll burn out even faster after that, I think).

Another indication is that when I'm tired I tend to blab a lot of half-assed philosophy that is semicoherent but then can't quite connect because my brain hasn't worked it out totally... which I think I'm doing now... :O

But in case you were wondering I'm in a much better mood atm than I was when I typed that post coz I went and practised piano for many hours and we all know that music slips you into w/e mood of the piece you're playing so if 5 hours ago I was depressed I think now I qualify as more or less apathetic. And piano-ed out. :)

[asnstalkerchick.livejournal.com]

every so often, i get that exact same feeling. why am i doing all this work? what's the point? why bother? and i think, sometimes, i just get lost thinking about it, and i dig myself into this hole that i think is a tunnel up but is really down. and the weird thing is that when i'm not like this, i'm completely dedicated. but right now, i feel like, theres really no point to any of it. so i just watch dbsk all day long and i think about all that i could potentially do and decide to simply not do it because i don't care. somewhere in the back of my mind, i must realize the insanity of this behavior, but i think part of the problem is that i'm burned out. and if you are anything like me, you're probably burned out too. not just from school, but from your very environment. you're tired. there were all these colors, all these emotions, but now youre too tired to see the colors. you need to take a break...think about waht you really want to do. about what youre doing out of responsibility. obeying parent's wishes. obeying your own wishes.

[chu-totoro.livejournal.com]

ahahah! I totally came to the same conclusion while commenting on debra's comment before I ever saw your comment! lololol

dude I even used the same words "burned out"

yeah guess it's time to recharge the battery huh?


and ahhhh since when have I started to say lololol T___T

[asnstalkerchick.livejournal.com]

great minds think alike =)