day b1

go adela go

gratitude
i'm grateful to be alive
i'm grateful that i'm not cramping too much this week
i'm grateful that the government today is fair and not massacre-ing people just to seize power
i'm grateful that i've been able to sleep well the past few days
i'm grateful that the snakes are well fed
i'm grateful that my parents still feel healthy enough to go on trips

admiration
i have been admired for being sensitive (could be good could be bad??)
i have been admired for typing quickly
i have been admired for enjoying programming

forgiveness
i forgive myself for crying a lot and feeling sad (omg that movie was soooo depressinggg)
i forgive myself for feeling lonely and sad sometimes
i forgive myself for wistful thinking and not being able to let go. i think that's something i really have to learn how to do. being obsessively persistent is the root of a lot of stuff i've achieved up til now but it's also the root of a lot of my problems (like procrastination and/or dropping everything for the sake of solving one little thing which really isn't that important in the big picture) and i think i need to learn to distinguish what to let go of and what to persist with. go me!

ugh

my eyes are all puffy from crying last night. nooooooo.

had a dream about jordan. after i woke up and cried and went back to sleep, i had a dream in which i was lying on my bed in my parent's house playing a very warped version of league and katie and my brother came home and i gave katie a big hug and she sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed my back a little as she leaned over to look at the screen going like "what's this?" (and they both made fun of me for playing computer games QQ) and i felt exponentially better and less depressed and then i asked them about the wedding and my brother was like oh god yeah planning weddings is tough SIGH

and then i woke up and remembered that katie is marrying victor and my brother is dead

weird illusory moments. i like it when i dream about him though. i miss him too. :(