(no subject)
Jan. 8th, 2009 09:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chu_totorohup.
my mom says maybe I'm spreading myself too thin.
I don't think so. In fact honestly I don't know what the fuck I think I'm doing except that two weeks ago I was working harder than I ever have in my whole bloody life and now I guess I've fallen into a slump state because once I gave up for the sake of perfection (oh, December 25th), once I let that go, mentally I was gone. You can hold that breath for as long as you need to, but once you release it it scatters to the wind and you can't get it back again, the momentum's gone.
I shouldn't be sitting here typing this, for one. I could be practising cello. Or piano. And I should, because I have an audition in less than 40 hours and I might've practised earlier but it's not enough, it's never enough until I goddamn stay up practising until 3 AM like I did for Saint-Saens once upon a time, and even that's not enough because you can never be enough for something relatively scaled like this, but at least I made the effort, at least I gave it my all, and that's just so much harder now because... because I believe it's possible.
Which sounds ridiculous, because when you firmly believe something is possible it's supposed to turn out right, and when you believe it's impossible that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you fail. We've all heard that. but I guess I just don't work that way.
When I really, truly think - not just think, but believe from the bottom of my soul that something is impossible, that, for example, everyone around me is so, so good and the gap is just unbridgeable, there comes an edge of desperation to what I do. And then with that focus of concentration I make huge leaps forward without realizing it until later, after I surpass everyone's expectations (including mine). And what I take to be easy often comes back to bite me in the ass.
This isn't just in the extremes of possible and impossible, I s'pose. I've always been like this. Back in Harker, when we would get our math tests back from Mrs. Kadam, I always got the hardest questions, the ones most of the class missed, right. But then I got a bunch of points off from the easy questions because I added 2+2=5, etc etc.
Saint-Saens, too. And Schumann. Mrs. Kim pretty much summed it up with: "You play some of these hard parts quite well but make silly mistakes on the easy bits!" (followed by a rap on my head ==;).
The point of that being? Should go practise cello, am not going to, am going to bed and reading Journey to the West, should have practised cello in the afternoon, did not, was doing god-knows-what procrastination, should practise cello tomorrow in school, probably will not because 1) have to look over Econ midterm and 2) Boitz is probably going to make me take over 6th again, should do other stuff like practise piano but will not because IF I HAVE TIME TO PRACTISE PIANO WHY AM I NOT PRACTISING CELLO, etc etc.
My mom does have a point. If I had one or two less things, I could probably be doing a lot better in other regards right now. For example, I might have practised Tchaik 4 over the break. For example, I might actually be able to play Tchaik 4 without scratching. For example, I might be done with Louis's birthday present by now. For example, I might have written return letters to all those cards/letters I got over the holidays (THANK YOU GUYS); for example, I might have studied for finals the past few days and will not fail them come next week.
ALSJDGL;AJDSLKGJ;LDJHLAJ;LDJFALSJGLAKJSLD;JGLASJDF;LAS YOU'RE NOT A SECOND-SEMESTER SENIOR YET, GET OVER YOURSELF ADELA.
/headdesk headdesk headdesk
my mom says maybe I'm spreading myself too thin.
I don't think so. In fact honestly I don't know what the fuck I think I'm doing except that two weeks ago I was working harder than I ever have in my whole bloody life and now I guess I've fallen into a slump state because once I gave up for the sake of perfection (oh, December 25th), once I let that go, mentally I was gone. You can hold that breath for as long as you need to, but once you release it it scatters to the wind and you can't get it back again, the momentum's gone.
I shouldn't be sitting here typing this, for one. I could be practising cello. Or piano. And I should, because I have an audition in less than 40 hours and I might've practised earlier but it's not enough, it's never enough until I goddamn stay up practising until 3 AM like I did for Saint-Saens once upon a time, and even that's not enough because you can never be enough for something relatively scaled like this, but at least I made the effort, at least I gave it my all, and that's just so much harder now because... because I believe it's possible.
Which sounds ridiculous, because when you firmly believe something is possible it's supposed to turn out right, and when you believe it's impossible that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you fail. We've all heard that. but I guess I just don't work that way.
When I really, truly think - not just think, but believe from the bottom of my soul that something is impossible, that, for example, everyone around me is so, so good and the gap is just unbridgeable, there comes an edge of desperation to what I do. And then with that focus of concentration I make huge leaps forward without realizing it until later, after I surpass everyone's expectations (including mine). And what I take to be easy often comes back to bite me in the ass.
This isn't just in the extremes of possible and impossible, I s'pose. I've always been like this. Back in Harker, when we would get our math tests back from Mrs. Kadam, I always got the hardest questions, the ones most of the class missed, right. But then I got a bunch of points off from the easy questions because I added 2+2=5, etc etc.
Saint-Saens, too. And Schumann. Mrs. Kim pretty much summed it up with: "You play some of these hard parts quite well but make silly mistakes on the easy bits!" (followed by a rap on my head ==;).
The point of that being? Should go practise cello, am not going to, am going to bed and reading Journey to the West, should have practised cello in the afternoon, did not, was doing god-knows-what procrastination, should practise cello tomorrow in school, probably will not because 1) have to look over Econ midterm and 2) Boitz is probably going to make me take over 6th again, should do other stuff like practise piano but will not because IF I HAVE TIME TO PRACTISE PIANO WHY AM I NOT PRACTISING CELLO, etc etc.
My mom does have a point. If I had one or two less things, I could probably be doing a lot better in other regards right now. For example, I might have practised Tchaik 4 over the break. For example, I might actually be able to play Tchaik 4 without scratching. For example, I might be done with Louis's birthday present by now. For example, I might have written return letters to all those cards/letters I got over the holidays (THANK YOU GUYS); for example, I might have studied for finals the past few days and will not fail them come next week.
ALSJDGL;AJDSLKGJ;LDJHLAJ;LDJFALSJGLAKJSLD;JGLASJDF;LAS YOU'RE NOT A SECOND-SEMESTER SENIOR YET, GET OVER YOURSELF ADELA.
/headdesk headdesk headdesk
