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chu_totoroYou ever wonder if you’re simultaneously living another life in an alternate universe, along with this life right now? Only you can’t remember that life when you’re in this one, and you can’t remember this one when you’re in that one, so it’s essentially as though they were separate. But they aren’t.
I used to think that a lot when I was little. I think it happened more when I had a really vivid dream of another life or recall a memory that wasn’t real, you know when you get this really strong deja vu that comes out of nowhere; say, you read something you swear to god you’ve read before but will equally well swear to god you’ve never seen before in your life, those times.
I don’t, much, anymore. But I thought of it just now. I’m not in that vague hazy almost-belief mode where I feel like I’m living in a dream and I can almost remember something but I can’t, I just… happened to think about it. I dunno.
Also, I lost.
= =; I remember the game at the randomest times. sheesh.
You know, I get along in school now perfectly well (socially, I mean; overlook academics for now XD) well come to think of it even academics aren’t too bad, everything’s going well, life’s good, it’s happy. But sometimes I’m talking to people, and there’s small talk, of course, there’s always small talk, but past that, we talk and we talk and we talk and we don’t talk about anything. I mean, there’s the exchanging bits of personal life and critiquing school life and complaining about life in general and all that, which I’d classify into more or less small talk, and then… what? Discussing popular culture, discussing the orchestra – no, actually that’d go into the category of critiquing school life – talking about fellow classmates, talking about sports (this is mostly guys, I’m really not into sports v. much .___.;), oh. Here’s a very common one: in the small talk exchanging bits of personal life often leads to listing names and more names and then trying to find people you all know in common and then confirming what you both know about them and gossiping about them and… what was it Salinger said in Catcher in the Rye… the phoniest conversation Holden ever heard in his life: “They both kept thinking of places as fast as they could, then they’d think of somebody that lived there and mention their name. I was all set to puke when it was time to sit down again. I really was.”
OK it’s not quite so bad as that. I mean, if it were, I’d be probably in a Holden-similar situation right now and failing at life. It’s just, I remember when I was little me and my friends would laugh about how shallow and stupid the high school kids are and how we’ll never grow up to be like that, and now I’m turning into exactly what I promised myself I’d never be, when I was little. I care about looks, I care about appearance, I squee at cute things and I gossip about hot Korean guys with other high school girls. And sometimes I’m serious about it, I mean, not the celebrities, I don’t think any “celebrity-crushes” are real crushes, and if they are, eh, I pity whoever-it-is… in any case, sometimes I am. But a lot of the times, the cynical side of me hovers there, watching, raising its eyebrows, and when I have these empty conversations and these games of place-naming and people-naming, it plays devil’s advocate and whispers in my ear, how pointless this is! really, how! But then I think what else I can actually say. What equals a meaningful conversation? Discussion of philosophy? Can’t possibly only be that. So am I just being foolish?
Y’see, inside of me there’s really still this little kid who could care less about all of those things, forget looking pretty and forget knowing pop culture and who cares who you know and what gossip you know about them, this little kid wants to go charging around in shorts and a t-shirt, kicking up dust chasing friends across the playground, who would much rather be climbing trees than sitting in a classroom, who would find a way to get onto the roof if anyone would go with her and play games there, who wants risk-excitement-adventure-fun screw everything else.
The thing is, these things. They’re not fun unless you have someone to play with you. Preferably someone with similar mentality as you and not conservative (lulz back then no one ever climbed the roof coz 1. way too high for us then 2. fear of authorities much greater back then and some lines you didn’t cross and 3. harker’s built like a jail cell, it’s not like SHS, there’s no way UP), and, what, in high school, it’s not done. In high school there’s a certain formula to follow if you want to be accepted and another formula to follow if you want to be accepted by people at the top of the game, and the thing is, you can not follow these formulas if you want, go play your own game, but there’s only one game, no one else is gonna go play your game with you, so what happens is you end up with a game that’s not a game because one person doesn’t make a game, and within the game you’re out.
That’s simplifying things a little. A lot, actually. But taking it at face value, I suppose my problem isn’t really that the game isn’t the game I want to play, because if it were that I would be really unhappy right now and probably ages ago something would have snapped. It’s partially the fact that the current game’s gotten too easy because it’s been two years (actually, sophomore year I flat out just didn’t play coz life/extracurriculars/academics combined were killing me, and you know when you’re dying you don’t really have time for games :P) and I know people and nothing’s new anymore. I think. Because if you tore me from here now and threw me in a completely foreign environment where I didn’t know anybody and anything I would be real busy figuring out how their game worked and then getting myself to assimilate into it and no way would I have time for nitpicking at problems until I’ve gotten to at least a fairly stable position WITHIN their game and can view it from an objective POV. Right?
Games and games. Stupid metaphors. I don’t like my metaphors. Makes me feel like life’s a game. Maybe it is. But I don’t like the win/lose connotation behind the word “game.”
-___- whatever.
Anyway the whole point of the last last last paragraph was that it’s not about winning, right? That it’s about the process of fighting towards the win. I mean if there was some game (games again >>;) where you started it and you automatically win, and there’s no process.
…. LAME.
It’s always more fun when you’re trying to win than when you actually win. I mean, as soon as you actually win something it becomes less important, and gets shoved aside as you dive into pursuit of something else to win, yeah? ‘slife!
lawlz k I’m sick of games and games. I want to be a kid again and run and chase and have fun for the sake of having fun. Seriously. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Someone who’s crazy enough to break all the rules because we can, to sneak out, to run around, to have fun, because we can I don’t know, I swear, I seem like such a good girl at school but all this is still there, hidden layers deep, it’s why I became such good friends with Luna in 5th grade because she had the same recklessness, the same love for mischief and ahahahaha we weren’t good either, we were so bad, I remember when we signed on to neopets in Shanahan’s room and some other kid was logged into the computer and without a second thought we were like YES! and stole all their neopoints.
I swear, if someone like that came along I’d turn back to that in a heartbeat. Thing is, has to be someone I can become good friends with. There are crazy people at my school. Mostly crazy boys from band. But not the type of people I’d ever become close friends with. Thus, inapplicable.
kk I don’t know how thoughts on shallowness of conversation turned into this. I really don’t. but I feel better now. And I’ve thought way more than enough for tonight. I think I spent over an hour typing this up. So this entry ends NOW, whether it made sense or not. :D
I used to think that a lot when I was little. I think it happened more when I had a really vivid dream of another life or recall a memory that wasn’t real, you know when you get this really strong deja vu that comes out of nowhere; say, you read something you swear to god you’ve read before but will equally well swear to god you’ve never seen before in your life, those times.
I don’t, much, anymore. But I thought of it just now. I’m not in that vague hazy almost-belief mode where I feel like I’m living in a dream and I can almost remember something but I can’t, I just… happened to think about it. I dunno.
Also, I lost.
= =; I remember the game at the randomest times. sheesh.
You know, I get along in school now perfectly well (socially, I mean; overlook academics for now XD) well come to think of it even academics aren’t too bad, everything’s going well, life’s good, it’s happy. But sometimes I’m talking to people, and there’s small talk, of course, there’s always small talk, but past that, we talk and we talk and we talk and we don’t talk about anything. I mean, there’s the exchanging bits of personal life and critiquing school life and complaining about life in general and all that, which I’d classify into more or less small talk, and then… what? Discussing popular culture, discussing the orchestra – no, actually that’d go into the category of critiquing school life – talking about fellow classmates, talking about sports (this is mostly guys, I’m really not into sports v. much .___.;), oh. Here’s a very common one: in the small talk exchanging bits of personal life often leads to listing names and more names and then trying to find people you all know in common and then confirming what you both know about them and gossiping about them and… what was it Salinger said in Catcher in the Rye… the phoniest conversation Holden ever heard in his life: “They both kept thinking of places as fast as they could, then they’d think of somebody that lived there and mention their name. I was all set to puke when it was time to sit down again. I really was.”
OK it’s not quite so bad as that. I mean, if it were, I’d be probably in a Holden-similar situation right now and failing at life. It’s just, I remember when I was little me and my friends would laugh about how shallow and stupid the high school kids are and how we’ll never grow up to be like that, and now I’m turning into exactly what I promised myself I’d never be, when I was little. I care about looks, I care about appearance, I squee at cute things and I gossip about hot Korean guys with other high school girls. And sometimes I’m serious about it, I mean, not the celebrities, I don’t think any “celebrity-crushes” are real crushes, and if they are, eh, I pity whoever-it-is… in any case, sometimes I am. But a lot of the times, the cynical side of me hovers there, watching, raising its eyebrows, and when I have these empty conversations and these games of place-naming and people-naming, it plays devil’s advocate and whispers in my ear, how pointless this is! really, how! But then I think what else I can actually say. What equals a meaningful conversation? Discussion of philosophy? Can’t possibly only be that. So am I just being foolish?
Y’see, inside of me there’s really still this little kid who could care less about all of those things, forget looking pretty and forget knowing pop culture and who cares who you know and what gossip you know about them, this little kid wants to go charging around in shorts and a t-shirt, kicking up dust chasing friends across the playground, who would much rather be climbing trees than sitting in a classroom, who would find a way to get onto the roof if anyone would go with her and play games there, who wants risk-excitement-adventure-fun screw everything else.
The thing is, these things. They’re not fun unless you have someone to play with you. Preferably someone with similar mentality as you and not conservative (lulz back then no one ever climbed the roof coz 1. way too high for us then 2. fear of authorities much greater back then and some lines you didn’t cross and 3. harker’s built like a jail cell, it’s not like SHS, there’s no way UP), and, what, in high school, it’s not done. In high school there’s a certain formula to follow if you want to be accepted and another formula to follow if you want to be accepted by people at the top of the game, and the thing is, you can not follow these formulas if you want, go play your own game, but there’s only one game, no one else is gonna go play your game with you, so what happens is you end up with a game that’s not a game because one person doesn’t make a game, and within the game you’re out.
That’s simplifying things a little. A lot, actually. But taking it at face value, I suppose my problem isn’t really that the game isn’t the game I want to play, because if it were that I would be really unhappy right now and probably ages ago something would have snapped. It’s partially the fact that the current game’s gotten too easy because it’s been two years (actually, sophomore year I flat out just didn’t play coz life/extracurriculars/academics combined were killing me, and you know when you’re dying you don’t really have time for games :P) and I know people and nothing’s new anymore. I think. Because if you tore me from here now and threw me in a completely foreign environment where I didn’t know anybody and anything I would be real busy figuring out how their game worked and then getting myself to assimilate into it and no way would I have time for nitpicking at problems until I’ve gotten to at least a fairly stable position WITHIN their game and can view it from an objective POV. Right?
Games and games. Stupid metaphors. I don’t like my metaphors. Makes me feel like life’s a game. Maybe it is. But I don’t like the win/lose connotation behind the word “game.”
-___- whatever.
Anyway the whole point of the last last last paragraph was that it’s not about winning, right? That it’s about the process of fighting towards the win. I mean if there was some game (games again >>;) where you started it and you automatically win, and there’s no process.
…. LAME.
It’s always more fun when you’re trying to win than when you actually win. I mean, as soon as you actually win something it becomes less important, and gets shoved aside as you dive into pursuit of something else to win, yeah? ‘slife!
lawlz k I’m sick of games and games. I want to be a kid again and run and chase and have fun for the sake of having fun. Seriously. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Someone who’s crazy enough to break all the rules because we can, to sneak out, to run around, to have fun, because we can I don’t know, I swear, I seem like such a good girl at school but all this is still there, hidden layers deep, it’s why I became such good friends with Luna in 5th grade because she had the same recklessness, the same love for mischief and ahahahaha we weren’t good either, we were so bad, I remember when we signed on to neopets in Shanahan’s room and some other kid was logged into the computer and without a second thought we were like YES! and stole all their neopoints.
I swear, if someone like that came along I’d turn back to that in a heartbeat. Thing is, has to be someone I can become good friends with. There are crazy people at my school. Mostly crazy boys from band. But not the type of people I’d ever become close friends with. Thus, inapplicable.
kk I don’t know how thoughts on shallowness of conversation turned into this. I really don’t. but I feel better now. And I’ve thought way more than enough for tonight. I think I spent over an hour typing this up. So this entry ends NOW, whether it made sense or not. :D
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:48 am (UTC)Well it's really just a matter about who you really are, and being conformist. It may just be that caring about your appearance is part of growing up: it's not fake, just who you are now as opposed to who you were back then.
It's ironic because you're playing a game, or multiple games, yet you want to go back to the old times, with all its fun and games. :D
Hmm, part of getting older is definitely about maturity. But then again, why should we conform to being "mature" as long as, you know, our immaturity doesn't detract from society? (ex: It would not be good to go on a killing spree just because it promises fun, adventure, and breaking the rules.)
....the time I encountered a neopets account that was still logged in, I earned money for them. x.x Because I wanted to surprise them the next time they logged in. <3
Anyway, although you can't exactly choose to opt out of the society we're in today, you can disagree. And you can show it, even if it jars against society's stricture (aka, game's rules.)
And just for fun, let's add some choice quotes from our lovely friend, Emerson, because he's much more elegant them myself and can phrase his ideas properly.
"Trust thyself: Every heart vibrates to that iron string."
"Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. The virtue in most request is conformity. Self-reliance is aversion."
"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world."
"...'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood..."
You don't have to wait for an accomplice, for someone to follow. "The average man's a coward," but as Colonel Sherburn thoroughly emphasizes, a coward just borrows courage from the masses, and from their leader. Be the leader you wish to be! ;)
P.S. If life is a game, we all lose in the end :)
P.P.S. I may be somewhat of a hypocrite.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:07 pm (UTC)I don't want to go back, I want to go on. I think the main issue with that is that the people I befriend around here are all too conservative and not much fun. I love them, I mean, but they're not the type that'd be omgsh yeahyeah let's do it! the time I realized those holes in the pillar/wall-ish thing were FOOTholds to let you climb UP, they're all the type of people who're afraid of getting in trouble and would hang back, and it's really not much fun if you do things like that on your own, y'know. My sister would go with me. :P yayay sibling love~
I'm not waiting for an accomplice. The point is, if you've ever done these things alone, it's not fun. It's not an accomplice, it's the fact that it's a 2+ player game and you can't go with one person. There needs to be someone to share the fun with, otherwise the most fun you can get out of it is the same fun you get out of playing solitaire, do you read? 'snot the same.
...hahah irony. I was going to say I'm not misunderstood, at least I don't feel misunderstood by the people around me, but that indicates you misunderstood that, right, so I'm still misunderstood? lol.
If life's a game, dying =/= losing, since it's set into the rules from the very beginning. Rather death sets a time limit on the game, and I'd say the purpose of the game is to find as much happiness as possible within the time limit you're allotted, and if possible at times even extend your time limit a little bit. :P
Everyone's somewhat of a hypocrite. The idea of hypocrisy... Iono. The thing is, when people are inconsistent, when I am at least, a lot of the times I meant what I said before, but something changed between then and now and I don't mean it anymore. So is that really hypocrisy? You know all those people who get dumped, they get pissed off and they call the other person a hypocrite, it was all lies, nothing was true they're just a liar and a fake, I always feel like it wasn't necessarily all lies, they meant it back then and now they just don't anymore, yeah? 'course, all this is coming from people in an emotionally unstable state so it really shouldn't be judged anyway... :P