day h3

three day streak!

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to have tasty dumplings from ranch
i am grateful to have a wonderful group of dancers whom i can call friends
i am grateful for the thoughtfulness and kindness of others, both strangers and friends

forgiveness
i forgive myself for feeling sad
i forgive myself for feeling lonely
i forgive myself for feeling empty
i forgive myself for not feeling good enough to please the world
i forgive myself for being human :)

admiration
i have been admired for being kind
i have been admired for being brave
i have been admired for making tasty tasty soup

read

an online article today which included the below quote, and it really struck me:

‎”There are only two types of people in the world: those who try to stuff their inner emptiness, and those very rare precious beings who try to see the inner emptiness. Those who try to stuff it remain empty, frustrated. They go on collecting garbage, their whole life is futile and fruitless. Only the other kind, the very precious people who try to look into their inner emptiness without any desire to stuff it, become meditators.” –Osho

when i think about it, i've been trying to stuff my inner emptiness for a very long time. and i mean a very, very long time.

( introspective history follows )

in the span of these 23 years, i don't think i've ever been ok with admitting that i'm not ok. take, for example, this post from 2010:

Right now I'm kind of depressed. What? Adela depressed?! Hey, it's not that unusual. Come to think of it, I mindbarfed depression for most of 2010, didn't I. Ahaha. ha. ha. I'm actually not as depressed as you think. Really! I'm just so busy that I hardly ever update unless I'm depressed and there's no one to talk to about it.

it's like i feel obligated to convince people that i'm not depressed and i'm actually ok.

even my gratitude exercise is sort of like an exercise to force yourself into a grateful mindset and not be depressed or upset or mad or anything else negative.

i don't think for any moment, in my entire life, have i thought that it was ok to sit with the feeling of emptiness and just acknowledge that yes, i'm lonely. that's ok. and yes, i feel kind of empty too. that's also ok. or really rather that it's not ok at all, but there is nothing wrong with allowing myself to feel not ok, even if it sucks.

i think, for once in my life, instead of fighting loneliness or frantically distracting myself from it or forcing myself to embrace it and reframe it into something holy like "solitude" or "me-time," i'll just acknowledge it and let it be.

hello, world. i'm not ok today, maybe haven't been ever, and that's fine with me.