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when people
Feb. 22nd, 2013 10:31 pmtell me to stop playing piano i feel upset and angry inside
it's like i was trying to say something important and somebody chopped off my tongue, and then i just roll around on the floor straining wordlessly
if i had to use a chinese word for it, it would be 悶
but it's more than that. i feel resentful that other people don't realize that what they are doing feels like that to me (and in truth, they probably think i'm downright juvenile sometimes, playing broken songs over and over again &singing), and i can definitely see how that can be disruptive and/or annoying, but on some level my first reaction (on the inside) is smth like "how can you even think of saying that to me?!" and an addendum that if they do want to say it, they better be very very sorry that they're cutting off my tongue (which irritated neighbors usually, you know, aren't), and honestly. i think that's just my ego speaking. i don't think i will be able to get rid of the sudden feeling of being trapped with no way out, but i can definitely work on my ego.
how, though?
as far as confucius goes (LOL that class is having an effect on me!), all that truly defines you are the actions you end up taking. so i guess i just have to make sure i behave civilly (which i did!) and defer to other people for the time being, and meanwhile just... let it go. :) i'm sure i can let it go if i want to. i'm learning rapidly through ealc that a lot of the things you think are true aren't true anyway.
i want to find somewhere where i can be alone with the piano :(
i guess if i feel very frustrated late at night, i can try dancing. that doesn't cause much of a disturbance as long as i'm in the living room and use headphones.
will see.
it's like i was trying to say something important and somebody chopped off my tongue, and then i just roll around on the floor straining wordlessly
if i had to use a chinese word for it, it would be 悶
but it's more than that. i feel resentful that other people don't realize that what they are doing feels like that to me (and in truth, they probably think i'm downright juvenile sometimes, playing broken songs over and over again &singing), and i can definitely see how that can be disruptive and/or annoying, but on some level my first reaction (on the inside) is smth like "how can you even think of saying that to me?!" and an addendum that if they do want to say it, they better be very very sorry that they're cutting off my tongue (which irritated neighbors usually, you know, aren't), and honestly. i think that's just my ego speaking. i don't think i will be able to get rid of the sudden feeling of being trapped with no way out, but i can definitely work on my ego.
how, though?
as far as confucius goes (LOL that class is having an effect on me!), all that truly defines you are the actions you end up taking. so i guess i just have to make sure i behave civilly (which i did!) and defer to other people for the time being, and meanwhile just... let it go. :) i'm sure i can let it go if i want to. i'm learning rapidly through ealc that a lot of the things you think are true aren't true anyway.
i want to find somewhere where i can be alone with the piano :(
i guess if i feel very frustrated late at night, i can try dancing. that doesn't cause much of a disturbance as long as i'm in the living room and use headphones.
will see.
