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Sometimes I wonder
Feb. 3rd, 2012 09:24 amif the only reason I want to become a graphic designer is because my brother died, and I want to carry on his legacy.
I don't think that's true though. I think I've always been madly impressed by the awesome things he could draw and make, and wanted to be like that. Also, I've always been screwing around with websites and code, and his always looked better (haha). I'm sad that he's no longer around to inspire me. :(
I turn 21 today. My brother has been dead for exactly 2 years, and I still wish my parents would stop being nice to me, and people would stop telling me to be nice to them. I wish they would all go away. Yes, my mother gave birth to me. Yes, she went through a lot of pain. Yes, she spent a lot of time and energy on me. But let me tell you this - my mother did not bring me up. She sponsored my upbringing. Her time and energy? They were spent on making money, to sponsor my upbringing. And the real upbringing, it came from my grandma, my nanny, my teacher, my friends, and me. She had no part in it except a hypocritical entity whom yelled a lot and was good to stay out of the way of. I have no mom.
And I wish most of all for a world in which people will accept me for saying this, without immediately attempting to squash what I am, without denying my essence, without make-believing me into someone that I'm not.
I'm turning 21 today. A step into adulthood. And for that, I will say this:
I ain't playing the game no more. All my life I've had two different me's for different people, because it was just more convenient. I was myself around my friends, and I kept most of myself well away from home and my parents when I was there and zipped up into the book self. I lived my life on the computer. And all my life, this has worked out great for me because it was just easier, some things your momma ain't gonna let fly no matter how long you spend talking to her about it, and she's got a lot of power when you're 10. Well, it's not easier now that my brother has died and my mom keeps trying to "connect" with her remaining daughters (but being extremely bad at it), and if I actually have to "play" a part to keep this balance up, I'm through. My DaJiuJiu and Katie and Chi and all the people around me can pressure me as much as I want, but I ain't giving in. I'm only going to be a "good daughter" when I really want to be, and if you try to make me do so otherwise? You can get pissed. I don't care. Deal. If my mom withdraws her financial support, I'll work. Take out student loans. If someone else dies on my birthday and I don't want to go home, five hundred million phone calls and my entire extended family pissed at me ain't going to make me go home. I'm through with everyone preaching filial piety at me. It's not the age of Confucius anymore. I'm going to be myself. If you don't like it, deal.
I know I sound a bit angry, but I will try to be courteous and polite about it. Because I really, honestly believe the world should be a place where people have respect for one another, for their ideas, for their feelings, and where everybody recognizes everybody else as an individual different from themselves, and allow for the differences. :)
I don't think that's true though. I think I've always been madly impressed by the awesome things he could draw and make, and wanted to be like that. Also, I've always been screwing around with websites and code, and his always looked better (haha). I'm sad that he's no longer around to inspire me. :(
I turn 21 today. My brother has been dead for exactly 2 years, and I still wish my parents would stop being nice to me, and people would stop telling me to be nice to them. I wish they would all go away. Yes, my mother gave birth to me. Yes, she went through a lot of pain. Yes, she spent a lot of time and energy on me. But let me tell you this - my mother did not bring me up. She sponsored my upbringing. Her time and energy? They were spent on making money, to sponsor my upbringing. And the real upbringing, it came from my grandma, my nanny, my teacher, my friends, and me. She had no part in it except a hypocritical entity whom yelled a lot and was good to stay out of the way of. I have no mom.
And I wish most of all for a world in which people will accept me for saying this, without immediately attempting to squash what I am, without denying my essence, without make-believing me into someone that I'm not.
I'm turning 21 today. A step into adulthood. And for that, I will say this:
I ain't playing the game no more. All my life I've had two different me's for different people, because it was just more convenient. I was myself around my friends, and I kept most of myself well away from home and my parents when I was there and zipped up into the book self. I lived my life on the computer. And all my life, this has worked out great for me because it was just easier, some things your momma ain't gonna let fly no matter how long you spend talking to her about it, and she's got a lot of power when you're 10. Well, it's not easier now that my brother has died and my mom keeps trying to "connect" with her remaining daughters (but being extremely bad at it), and if I actually have to "play" a part to keep this balance up, I'm through. My DaJiuJiu and Katie and Chi and all the people around me can pressure me as much as I want, but I ain't giving in. I'm only going to be a "good daughter" when I really want to be, and if you try to make me do so otherwise? You can get pissed. I don't care. Deal. If my mom withdraws her financial support, I'll work. Take out student loans. If someone else dies on my birthday and I don't want to go home, five hundred million phone calls and my entire extended family pissed at me ain't going to make me go home. I'm through with everyone preaching filial piety at me. It's not the age of Confucius anymore. I'm going to be myself. If you don't like it, deal.
I know I sound a bit angry, but I will try to be courteous and polite about it. Because I really, honestly believe the world should be a place where people have respect for one another, for their ideas, for their feelings, and where everybody recognizes everybody else as an individual different from themselves, and allow for the differences. :)
