well then! only YOU can see THIS

[chu_totoro]

[edit: originally private to Delmar only; later made viewable to all]

Sorry. I'm just a horrible, horrible person.

I'll try to be as frank as I can on my side of the situation, though I'm not entirely sure how well I really know myself ("Know thyself," said Socrates), but who knows, maybe you'll learn more about me by what I put forth than I know.

I love you. I do. I wasn't so sure a year ago, but as time passes feelings change, and I think I'm pretty definitive on the matter now.

Seeing you makes me happy, and what the hell, we totally don't see each other enough, which really sucks, but here's the thing. Right after each meeting for awhile I really, sorely miss you like hell, and I IM you and talk to you and each little thing makes me really happy in an ironic fashion because it also makes me depressed (I'm sure you kind of know what I'm trying to get at? I mean you sigh a lot, you must understand that feeling...), but as time passes it fades, or I push it out on purpose, I really can't tell the difference. Or more like, reality sinks in, because what's around me is real and busy and I distract myself with all the busy work and in the process of all that it fades, I lock it away, call it whatever you want. And every time I see you it's like a revival, because all the feelings and emotions that I didn't know were still there, that I trained to indifference, surfaces again.

Like, I don't really know how to express it, or if you'll understand it, but I kind of lock myself into a secondary world. I really have no idea how to express how I feel about this. I get it, myself, I just can't. put. it. into. words. which is really frustrating write now because I keep rewriting this and it doesn't FIT rawr. Um. I think Deb might have an inkling of what I'm talking about. Errrrrrkh...

Well I'm rationally aware of it, but it doesn't change anything. Like, I kind of slip into this little box that's like my enclosed world, which isn't too enclosed but more like the world near at hand, and I live it and kind of numb my attachment to the outside world? Which is why, sometimes, after we've been separated for a really long time, I'm almost reluctant to meet you because I've achieved happiness in my little box, I've become comfortable holed up inside it, and I don't take to the idea of change. And after I see you again the breach blows through and I wonder how I could ever have survived like that and the emotional attachment stays with me but after a while, if we stay apart long enough, the broken wall slowly starts to mend and the vines start creeping up and the detachment starts gripping me again as I shrink back into my little boxworld.

If I'm all perfectly aware of this, you ask, HOW DOES IT HAPPEN? Makes no sense, eh? Doesn't make much sense to me, either, but there you have it. It's the same question, I think, I ask myself when I sign up for the varsity workouts, when I have a choice and I go for varsity and during the workout I curse myself to bloody hell and hate myself (genuinely! at the time) for doing something so stupid and so unnecessary and after it's over I stop hating myself and... even though I KNOW I hated myself for it and I KNOW the hate was absolutely dead REAL GENUINE whatever-you-call-it.... The next time! I do it again anyway.

.... yeah. I told you I don't quite get myself sometimes. _ _;;

And no, this isn't an excuse, because it certainly doesn't excuse anything - I mean it SUCKS as an excuse! don't you agree? - it's just the truth. Or as close as I can get to expressing it. And yeah, it's horribly selfish, and undeniably cruel on your part because that type of emotional detachment doesn't really happen with you, it's not in your nature, but there you have it.

I said at the beginning that I was a horrible, horrible person. ><

If it's any consolation, lately I can't really shrink as much back into my box as I once could. As of the moment, I think, I'm more just pushing everything off to the side (procrastination! hahaha.) as opposed to more or less cutting off like I used to. (And yes, if you're wondering, this little boxyworldy thing kind of had a shadow a long time ago, but back then I had free time to stay on AIM all the time and chat all the time, so it didn't actually really settle that much until, I think, the past half year or so maybe? I'm kind of unclear on time. You might be clearer on it...)

Yeah, if it's any consolation, I don't stay as detached as I might like to think I do. At least not recently. LIKE! For example, oh I have the perfect example, last night I had this dream with you in it! And some other chat friends, don't recall exactly who, and I've been meaning to post about it since I woke up this morning, but it just kind of degenerated throughout the day because I put it off and by now I forgot most of the dream. And see, I woke up feeling pretty remorseful and wishing you were there, but after a while I had to get up (wtf I've gotten back into the habit of not being able to sleep past like. eight.) and then I ate and realized there was quartet practice and work to do and started getting to work and just, kind of, shoved it off to the side really hard so that it'll stay.

I'm too practical, I think. I dwell on you and then I'm like goddammit I CAN'T waste time wallowing away (because when I do that I tend not to finish any work, you know, coz it's HORRIBLY distracting from everything ><) so then I try really hard to stop or force myself to start working to forget and then. uh. I do.

So I'm just a pretty horrible girlfriend, I guess. If you were a Saratoga kid maybe I wouldn't be, but for the sake of THIS conversation I am.

So eh, I guess... if you want to, you can call it off. >< Because I've been pretty horrible to you. and then I will go home and cry (or maybe I won't, who knows, I don't even know isn't that funny?) and go to school and feel dejected and melancholy for awhile and maybe confide in Tiffany and Melody but it won't last because I won't LET it last, I don't know I suppose it's romantic to fall into a deep depression or something but I'm not so capable of that, stick me in school for a while and let me with the other kids for a while and eventually the brightness and cheeriness will wash it away and I'll immerse myself in school life instead and not think about it and I'll succeed. So call me shallow, whatever, that's how I generally deal with things (and it's why I give off a facade of eternal happiness no matter what) and um. that's one thing I don't think I really can change.

Although, the idea of seeing you in a gathering and. um. how to say? not being on intimate terms with you is like. A weeeeeeeeeeeeird idea. And pretty horrible. but hey.

Meh, after all the rationale, I think I've concluded that I'm pretty much a bitch. At least to you. So I'll leave it up to you, I think, because I don't feel like I really deserve much of a say in the matter. Do what will make you happier. (And if you want to persist with this relationship, we can figure out a separate compromise with that later...)

ALTHOUGH. there's more I'd talk to you about after you decide, but I guess this comment's gone on long enough. So decide first? mmm.

For now that they could not be together, they must indefinitely be apart, and what had been sure and unshakable was now fragile and insubstantial; for the moment we are not together, [he] is a stranger, for he has a life now that will be no part of mine, and that means that when I see him we will not know each other.

Comments

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XDDD

No it's ok. Looking over it... nothing noteworthy was said in there. >>;