day h15

[chu_totoro]

i think for a long time i have needed to be better than others around me to feel all right. i would either rub it in in the form of sticking my nose up at grammar, at various things i thought i knew better, at helping others with their problems and feeling superior, or i would be thrust into a situation in which i was not the best (read: cello, poetry, etc.) and feel incredibly stressed out and work my ass off until i got enough recognition for me to convince myself that i was good enough and better than SOMEONE (read: much of the population) even if i wasn't within my teacher's group of students

i guess i have always been scared to admit that i am not as good as other people, that there are people out there who know more than me, work harder than me, are more skilled than me, play better than me, do many, many, many things infinitely better than me, and maybe are just intrinsically better people. i couldn't live with it. my first instinct is to either work my butt off and try and convince the world that i am in fact just as good or to turn my nose up and reject whatever it is with the reason that i am too good or too busy for whatever x happens to be. i guess i was afraid that if i admitted it, something terrible would happen. the world would come crashing down in pieces. i just wasn't ok with myself as a person unless i could prove to myself in some form or the other that i was better than the people around me.

i admit it now. a lot of people in this world are better, more knowledgeable, more capable, more skilled than me in various ways. i hope that in the future, i can be more humble (genuinely humble) in similar situations and not reject or put down others in my need to be the best. i want to learn from others, and i can't really do that if i'm trying to convince them that i know better than them.


gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to all those out there who have shown in some way that they are better than me
i am grateful to be living on this wonderful planet called earth
i am grateful to have the chance to learn about other cultures and various crazy stories about ireland
i am grateful to have the chance to experience something new

forgiveness
i forgive myself for my ego
i forgive myself for my fears
i forgive myself for my blindness
i forgive myself for my insecurities

admiration
i have been admired for thinking a lot
i have been admired for loving my pets
i have been admired for being kind
i have been admired for achieving a lot