asinine shakespearean brilliance

[chu_totoro]

Best viewed with...

1. Primitive knowledge of actors/actresses/celebrities.
2. Prior knowledge of movies "Sweeny Todd" and "Napoleon Dynamite."
3. No prior knowledge of the famed Shakespearean tragedy, Hamlet

A DEEP AND THOROUGH ANALYSIS OF HAMLET

         Hamlet. A little piece of ham. How did this name come about? For that matter, how did names like Cunningham and Winningham come about? Well, let me tell you a little story about that, while we’re contemplating this bit of paradoxical wisdom.

         Once upon a time, there lived an extraordinarily fat man. He considered lipsuction, but Super Size Me deterred him from any such surgical procedures. This made him very angry, so he vowed to live his whole life fat, and did just that: he found the fattest woman he could to be his wife, and together they had fat children that waddled about and grew up and waddled some more, and they were happy. Comforting themselves with the recent study by the NDA saying, in short, that fat people still have great sex lives, they continued to live, thrive, and wive. Now, the name of this fat man was HAM, and his wife was named HAMSTER. They considered naming their oldest daughter HAMTARO, but of course no one would think of such an absurd name for a person, no less a franchise and television miniseries. Instead, they named her HAMNET, and her brother HAMPET, and their little sister HAMPER. One day, they checked into the HAMPTON INN in Miami, Florida. They had decided to go on a trip to Disneyworld, and excited little HAMPER and HAMPET bounced about happily on the hotel beds… until they broke them. Waddling the next morning to the Disney Gates, they accidentally saw Goofy remove his mask—what a sHAM. Going on, they got into the line for Space Mountain, and met a Mr. DurHAM. “Why hello,” he HAMmered on, “did you know that BonHAM Carter is Tim Burton’s girlfriend?” “No, I did not,” sniffed HAM, as HAMSTER nodded vigorously in agreement. “Oh my, she’s really a cHAMpion of speech, just like the politician BrigHAM Young.” At this point, HAMNET, HAMPER, and HAMPET had waddled up to the height bar sign, to find that they were tall enough and that there were no width restrictions. :3 Just then, HAMNET yelled, “GoddHAMmit!” A rollercoaster had just whooshed by and seized up half the flesh of her thigh, taking her into the air with it! Her complexion turned so green, HAMPET called out after her, “Would you like some green eggs and HAM with that??!” But, by then, HAMNET was already out of sight. “Oh no,” sighed HAM, as HAMSTER stared after her daughter, “I suppose we’ll just have to get together and make another daughter.” HAMNET screamed in the distance, “Your mother was a HAMster, and your father smelt of elderberries!!” HAMPER shrugged, and sat down on three Space Mountain seats at once, preening to herself that she was still very much alive and HAMppy, unlike her sister. HAMSTER, though, was devastated: “Oh Gaw, whah didja do thayat—she was sech a grayat siyister to thayHAM.” “Howdy, ya from da sem place ah am?” asked a very squished HAMckleberry Finn, next to her. “I’s so glad to see y’all, but didja HAMppen to see a Worcestershire HAM lying ‘bout here somewayer?” HAMPET was about to answer, but just then the rollercoaster took off and HAMPET, HAMPER, HAM, and HAMSTER were all flung off it (because they couldn’t put on their seatbelts), and HAMckleberry Finn was left all alone. “Gawd, puhlease sent us a king—no—Gawd-sized mattress to HAMper our descent?” Unfortunately, Gawd sent no mattress, so HAMPET went splat!, then HAMPER went blat!, then HAMSTER went fwat!, but HAM landed upon all three of them and went WOOMPH! and bounced a bit. Speaking of BonHAM Carter, HAM dusted himself off and made meat pies out of the rest of them. “Why, they look so much smaller like this,” he said to himself as he roasted HAM meatpie #1 over a fire, “I think I’ll call them HAMlet #1, HAMlet #2, and HAMlet #3!” And thus began the long legacy of the word and eponymous play, Hamlet.

         Now you know why the name Hamlet is commonly associated with bizarre behavior, madness, and, most of all, HAM. Now, the man HAM lived a long and happy life after that, and specialized in meat-pie baking. All his meatpies had names, such as CunningHAM, CleverHAM, DimwittedHAM, WinningHAM, LosingHAM, and EverythinginbetweenHAM. Some of these names remained in the world for unimaginative, jobless lower-middle-class men to adopt as last names. Here lie the bourgeois beginnings of CunningHAM and other such offshoots.

Tadah! THE END.

---A collaborative work by Connie Shang and Adela Chang. 01/22/08










(kudos to anyone who actually makes it through that ridiculous jumble of words XD)