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I've been feeling listless lately. So I read some of Scott's posts on energy and suddenly a lot of the world clicked into place. In fact, a lot of my youth clicked into place as well.
I can be a very social person. In fact, I've noticed I'm at my most social when I am completely drained and exhausted (usually from just completing some sort of difficult CS project) and need to recharge - usually I've been working hard, continuously, in front of the computer for hours and as soon as the project is done (or sometimes just when I'm taking a break) I crave social contact and people to hang out with.
Over winter break, I have a whole month off. It should be the time to see people, reconnect with old friends, watch movies, yadda yadda. However, I've done plenty of that and now even though I'm at Berkeley and there are plenty of wonderful people I can visit and plenty of great movies that I haven't seen and plenty of "relaxing" challenges (beating all the Metallica songs on Rockband 2!!) that I want to do, I just don't have any interest in doing them. It's like overdose. And what I realized is that I've been lacking the mental challenge that is always there with school. Which is probably why I enjoy piano so much, because it at least provides a creative and/or focus outlet.
I'm not so sure about Scott's categorizations though, at least not for me. I find there's a subtly different feel to the rigorous mental challenge of coding a difficult project to creative pursuits such as piano, improv, or writing a story. Most notably, because these pursuits require creativity and innovation but not necessarily ruthless focus and unending analytical logic, I am not as drained afterwards and I still don't feel the need to hang out with people. Which leads me to wonder if an abundance of logic/mental energy actually hinders my social capabilities, not so much because it cripples me socially but because social situations "charge" up my mental energy, so to speak (like a battery!!), and when your battery is already overcharged of course you want to stay away from charging it more.
So suddenly my entire antisocial youth began to make sense, because all my homework up until high school was so easy that I could take care of it at school, and while sitting through classes drained my mental energy and I had a great time playing tag with my friends and recharging during break, by the time I was home we'd already spent all of after school playing games/finishing up homework, I was fully charged up, and there was simply nothing more to engage my mind... except computer games. Which in general do engage the mind, but are designed more towards instant gratification so they don't really drain you all that much. And suddenly it all made sense to me why I always rejected my parents' offers to go watch movies, or hang out with the family, or do relaxing things together. It reminds me of that quote from the Shawshank Redemption:
A man in prison will do almost anything to keep his mind occupied.
I also notice that high level creative pursuits, which DO require focus and analysis (like actually practicing piano and not just screwing around) leave me completely drained. That is, after enough of that I just want to sleep but I don't want to hang out with people. That might be because it's physically draining though, and no matter how difficult analyzing what to practice and listening for your tones etc etc is, it's more physically draining than mentally challenging.
So, in conclusion, if I want to balance my life and not sit around feeling bored but resistant to doing any of the things around me (that I supposedly want to do!) I need to find something very mentally challenging to work on for a while. At least as challenging as school.
Aaaaand... I have no idea what that is-_____-;; Time to experiment!
I can be a very social person. In fact, I've noticed I'm at my most social when I am completely drained and exhausted (usually from just completing some sort of difficult CS project) and need to recharge - usually I've been working hard, continuously, in front of the computer for hours and as soon as the project is done (or sometimes just when I'm taking a break) I crave social contact and people to hang out with.
Over winter break, I have a whole month off. It should be the time to see people, reconnect with old friends, watch movies, yadda yadda. However, I've done plenty of that and now even though I'm at Berkeley and there are plenty of wonderful people I can visit and plenty of great movies that I haven't seen and plenty of "relaxing" challenges (beating all the Metallica songs on Rockband 2!!) that I want to do, I just don't have any interest in doing them. It's like overdose. And what I realized is that I've been lacking the mental challenge that is always there with school. Which is probably why I enjoy piano so much, because it at least provides a creative and/or focus outlet.
I'm not so sure about Scott's categorizations though, at least not for me. I find there's a subtly different feel to the rigorous mental challenge of coding a difficult project to creative pursuits such as piano, improv, or writing a story. Most notably, because these pursuits require creativity and innovation but not necessarily ruthless focus and unending analytical logic, I am not as drained afterwards and I still don't feel the need to hang out with people. Which leads me to wonder if an abundance of logic/mental energy actually hinders my social capabilities, not so much because it cripples me socially but because social situations "charge" up my mental energy, so to speak (like a battery!!), and when your battery is already overcharged of course you want to stay away from charging it more.
So suddenly my entire antisocial youth began to make sense, because all my homework up until high school was so easy that I could take care of it at school, and while sitting through classes drained my mental energy and I had a great time playing tag with my friends and recharging during break, by the time I was home we'd already spent all of after school playing games/finishing up homework, I was fully charged up, and there was simply nothing more to engage my mind... except computer games. Which in general do engage the mind, but are designed more towards instant gratification so they don't really drain you all that much. And suddenly it all made sense to me why I always rejected my parents' offers to go watch movies, or hang out with the family, or do relaxing things together. It reminds me of that quote from the Shawshank Redemption:
A man in prison will do almost anything to keep his mind occupied.
I also notice that high level creative pursuits, which DO require focus and analysis (like actually practicing piano and not just screwing around) leave me completely drained. That is, after enough of that I just want to sleep but I don't want to hang out with people. That might be because it's physically draining though, and no matter how difficult analyzing what to practice and listening for your tones etc etc is, it's more physically draining than mentally challenging.
So, in conclusion, if I want to balance my life and not sit around feeling bored but resistant to doing any of the things around me (that I supposedly want to do!) I need to find something very mentally challenging to work on for a while. At least as challenging as school.
Aaaaand... I have no idea what that is-_____-;; Time to experiment!
