(no subject)

i don't know what the hell i'm doing.

i need to pull myself together.

(but why? why? why is anyone, at any time, obliged to pull themselves together, ever? why does it matter? for whose sake? others? your own? what do people live for? i've asked myself these questions repeatedly for the past year and it goes away but it always, always resurfaces and i have no answer in words that i can give and fully believe in with all my heart the way i might have had 2,3 years ago and it feels a bit like procrastinating, putting it off somewhere but not really dealing with it so when things get bad there it is again looming over you and why? why am i here? what the fuck am i doing? why the hell does it matter??)

edit: ...

editing this movie is going to be the most painful thing i ever did in my entire life.

AUGH WHY ADELA WHY