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I have returned!
Jul. 21st, 2009 08:29 amI am back in the much loved country state of California, I am done with these people forever, and my brother may or may not have pancreatic cancer.
What a combination.
I thought about people on the plane trip back, and I was, vaguely, a little sad because I would never see them again, but ultimately the fact remains that I have not ever been as depressed to leave anywhere/anywhen as CTY 2005 and the subsequent gatherings. Not ever. Not Australia, not Disneyland, not SJYS Europe, not the Netherlands, not SJYS camp or CPYO camp, hell, not even Cambridge... and not now. Either I am no longer capable of forming strong attachments to people or I have grown up enough to understand that people come and go. Or a little bit of both.
Maybe it'll be like this for the rest of my life. Boy, I hope not.
My brother is sleeping right now. I hope he doesn't really have pancreatic cancer. I hope he stays alive and healthy and that nothing bad will ever, ever happen to him because if he died I would really be sad, and that is sad on an entirely different scale than the depression mentioned above because he is my big brother and I love him.
I feel like I ought to be more shocked though. People always say you don't think bad stuff like this can happen to you until it happens to you and then it's a lightning bolt of shock and disbelief but I just accepted the fact that he may or may not have cancer and that was that. Maybe it's because my dad's lived with post-polio syndrome all my life. Maybe it's because my dog already caught and died of cancer. Maybe it's because so many people around have cancer nowadays that it's not even shocking anymore, it's just something normal, like the flu.
IMO it's just that life happens, and sometimes all you can do is cross your fingers and hope for the best.
What a combination.
I thought about people on the plane trip back, and I was, vaguely, a little sad because I would never see them again, but ultimately the fact remains that I have not ever been as depressed to leave anywhere/anywhen as CTY 2005 and the subsequent gatherings. Not ever. Not Australia, not Disneyland, not SJYS Europe, not the Netherlands, not SJYS camp or CPYO camp, hell, not even Cambridge... and not now. Either I am no longer capable of forming strong attachments to people or I have grown up enough to understand that people come and go. Or a little bit of both.
Maybe it'll be like this for the rest of my life. Boy, I hope not.
My brother is sleeping right now. I hope he doesn't really have pancreatic cancer. I hope he stays alive and healthy and that nothing bad will ever, ever happen to him because if he died I would really be sad, and that is sad on an entirely different scale than the depression mentioned above because he is my big brother and I love him.
I feel like I ought to be more shocked though. People always say you don't think bad stuff like this can happen to you until it happens to you and then it's a lightning bolt of shock and disbelief but I just accepted the fact that he may or may not have cancer and that was that. Maybe it's because my dad's lived with post-polio syndrome all my life. Maybe it's because my dog already caught and died of cancer. Maybe it's because so many people around have cancer nowadays that it's not even shocking anymore, it's just something normal, like the flu.
IMO it's just that life happens, and sometimes all you can do is cross your fingers and hope for the best.
