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why am i so freaking lazy
Mar. 9th, 2008 01:56 amHave you ever been really, really tired but just not want to sleep because sleeping meant waking up again?
A bad way to put it. Not exactly just waking up, I s'pose. I mean I don't want to die. But sleeping means a wink of time, and then before you know it it'll be the next day waking up to face all the bloody work, all the shit that you've just got to get down and grind through without a moment's respite and THEN the next day it's school again and another week and next weekend will pass as fast as this when and the next and the next...
I dunno. Just. As long as I stay here, reading, writing, wasting time, time stands still. It doesn't pass slowly, but it feels like it does because there's so much of it, so much of the night before it'll be light again, and I can let it trickle by while I do whatever I want, forget responsibility, forget homework forget cello forget orchestra, just sit here and... waste time.
I'm stupid. I know.
I think it might just be the lack of anything to look forward to. I mean, there's summer vacation, but that's not for so, so long. And from now until spring break it's just work, work, endless work, because tomorrow there's the CPYO concert, and next weekend there isn't EVEN a weekend because I'm going to be off at All-State, which I haven't even started to practice for yet, and the weekend after that is the SHS orchestra concert, and the weekend after that is Mrs. Kim's student recital (oh god), and the weekend after that is Cello Congress concert (and the whole week devoted to Cello Congress rehearsals T.T), and the DAY after that we leave for New York, and touring colleges is nice, and the East Coast is nice, but I just want to rest and stay home and sleep, I don't want to travel, and that's spring break gone in a bam and a POOF! and back to school again for two weeks of poetry panel presentations to various English classes around campus and then it's May and AP testing and SATs and June and SATs again, and THAT's about when it ends. When APs are over and AP classes all get to chill and SATs are over too, for a coupla months at least if I have to retake anything, and everything grinds down to a leisurely halt.
But god it's so far away from now.
My teachers accuse me of not trying hard enough. And the best thing is, they're RIGHT. Amidst all this chaos, all this crap, I still manage to waste so much time and procrastinate so much, and when I need most to snap into that zombie-like mode, where I wake up each morning and go to school and come back and mechanically churn out my work and go to bed and wake up the next morning and do it all over again, each day just like the other, all of them blending and merging so that I can't even remember which was which... I can't. I mean, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I don't want to be a mindless working zombie, the idea inspires internal resistance. :x Subconsciously I feel THAT is time wasted. But what I think is time wasted differs too much to count.
I mean, who am I to complain so much if I'm not even trying that hard? What am I still doing awake?
The funny thing is, people who are really doing their best don't have TIME to complain. That's wasted lawlz.
I think I am being escapist. Or something very like it. lawlz whatever bed for me.
whuuuuup edit: oh the hell. I forgot about Readings in the Redwoods.
...I don't even want to think about it right now. It can stay in the future kthxbye.
A bad way to put it. Not exactly just waking up, I s'pose. I mean I don't want to die. But sleeping means a wink of time, and then before you know it it'll be the next day waking up to face all the bloody work, all the shit that you've just got to get down and grind through without a moment's respite and THEN the next day it's school again and another week and next weekend will pass as fast as this when and the next and the next...
I dunno. Just. As long as I stay here, reading, writing, wasting time, time stands still. It doesn't pass slowly, but it feels like it does because there's so much of it, so much of the night before it'll be light again, and I can let it trickle by while I do whatever I want, forget responsibility, forget homework forget cello forget orchestra, just sit here and... waste time.
I'm stupid. I know.
I think it might just be the lack of anything to look forward to. I mean, there's summer vacation, but that's not for so, so long. And from now until spring break it's just work, work, endless work, because tomorrow there's the CPYO concert, and next weekend there isn't EVEN a weekend because I'm going to be off at All-State, which I haven't even started to practice for yet, and the weekend after that is the SHS orchestra concert, and the weekend after that is Mrs. Kim's student recital (oh god), and the weekend after that is Cello Congress concert (and the whole week devoted to Cello Congress rehearsals T.T), and the DAY after that we leave for New York, and touring colleges is nice, and the East Coast is nice, but I just want to rest and stay home and sleep, I don't want to travel, and that's spring break gone in a bam and a POOF! and back to school again for two weeks of poetry panel presentations to various English classes around campus and then it's May and AP testing and SATs and June and SATs again, and THAT's about when it ends. When APs are over and AP classes all get to chill and SATs are over too, for a coupla months at least if I have to retake anything, and everything grinds down to a leisurely halt.
But god it's so far away from now.
My teachers accuse me of not trying hard enough. And the best thing is, they're RIGHT. Amidst all this chaos, all this crap, I still manage to waste so much time and procrastinate so much, and when I need most to snap into that zombie-like mode, where I wake up each morning and go to school and come back and mechanically churn out my work and go to bed and wake up the next morning and do it all over again, each day just like the other, all of them blending and merging so that I can't even remember which was which... I can't. I mean, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I don't want to be a mindless working zombie, the idea inspires internal resistance. :x Subconsciously I feel THAT is time wasted. But what I think is time wasted differs too much to count.
I mean, who am I to complain so much if I'm not even trying that hard? What am I still doing awake?
The funny thing is, people who are really doing their best don't have TIME to complain. That's wasted lawlz.
I think I am being escapist. Or something very like it. lawlz whatever bed for me.
whuuuuup edit: oh the hell. I forgot about Readings in the Redwoods.
...I don't even want to think about it right now. It can stay in the future kthxbye.
