chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-10-09 12:34 pm

it's funny

to say this but i think it's a combination of everything in my life and all the things that have been going well and my slow, painful, gradual development of my inner self throughout the years that have led me to this point.

i've been feeling a myriad of emotions lately. and at times i am conflicted and question myself (though never as strongly as i once did a few years ago... i think i have a better sense of self now). just now i found this post on quora, and it's made me feel that i've really opened my eyes

https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-advantages-and-disadvantages-of-being-too-nice-to-people

Here's a story that will answer your question:

Put a frog in a vessel of water and start heating the water.
As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly.
The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature...
Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore...
At that point the frog decides to jump out...
The frog tries to jump but is unable to do so, because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature...
Very soon the frog dies.
What killed the frog?
Many of us would say the boiling water...
But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out.
We all need to be nice to people and adjust with situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront/face.
There are times when we need to face the situation and take the appropriate action...
If we allow people to exploit us physically, mentally, emotionally or financially, they will continue to do so...
We have to decide when to jump.
Let us jump while we still have the strength.

Source: A forwarded message on Whatsapp
EDIT: Based on the link in Keith Lea's comment, apparently the frog does jump out. Although the story no longer remains true, I still think that the story puts across the point very nicely.


i think this summarizes a lot of things that I have been trying very very hard to figure out the past few days.

i would say in my case, i don't think the frog dies necessarily. maybe the froggy is dying on the inside, and he turns into a miserable old crank that no one wants to be around, and the froggy can't understand why because he's the one trying so hard to adjust... i feel like i realize now that a lot of things in my life, i brought on myself.

and then the question is, after the froggy jumps out, if the boiling water drops to a comfortable temperature again, it's the FROGGY's responsibility to figure out whether or not it's a good idea to jump back in. and there's nothing wrong with the froggy if he's wary and decides not to. and there's also nothing wrong with the froggy if he decides to after all. for a froggy that hasn't really developed this ability well, even if he judges inaccurately, it is all a learning experience... and day by day, month by month, the froggy will get better at it

:)



(as for me, i'm an overheated froggy. first priority is to cool off and get some cold packs so i don't get heatstroke and die, and then once i'm a normal froggy again i'll think about what to do :p)
chu_totoro: (random-- green tea)
2015-09-29 05:33 pm

one of those

rare moments in time when literally everything is going right with my life

went home and saw my poetry teacher and took a workshop with the poet laureate of los gatos, which was just lovely

collaborating on a really exciting ios game (for free) with a guy from craigslist, and the whole thing is just a lot of fun

returned to emeryville and saw that MY BLOG HAS ITS FIRST FOLLOWER AHHHHHHHH i can't believe it i literally still can't believe it. someone finds my reviews worthwhile and worth reading and good enough that they want to be my email list, this is just unbelievable

on that note, my blog has also doubled the amount of views since last month. this is giving me so much hope that i can make it with this blog, if i just keep at it slowly and steadily...

my boyfriend is adorable and good-looking and dorky. and we do naughty and nice things together and it's lovely ;)

am on track and on top of things with my programming work for once! yay! and coworkers are hilarious

lots of new job inquiries coming in! just in the last week i've gotten two friend referrals and 7-8 inquiries from linkedin/email, including ones from uber and linkedin itself eeeeee maybe this freelancing thing will work itself out after all

i MET MY DONATION GOAL for the night of writing dangerously!! nanowrimo here i come! i am so flattered and touched by all the support i received; i never knew that i was so loved and that there were so many people willing to support me until i asked

and finally, i have an awesome novel idea and i just have a really good feeling about this year's nano. really looking forward to it. i think this year is gonna be the year... first one since 2009

anyway the world is great and everything is lovely and i am just very, very happy ^O^
chu_totoro: (random-- green tea)
2015-09-17 04:30 pm

today i am

today i am a little bird and nothing can touch me. nothing can touch the feathers on my hair or the claws on my feet, nothing can touch the life that courses through my veins and the delicate little heart, so diligently pumping the blood through teeny tiny spidery little veins and keeping me alive. nothing, nothing, nothing will touch me until one day that little heart is pumped so full of feelings that it explodes and i with it and then i will be free, because all the feelings within me will be released, and the tension that had been building up, up, up will relieve itself with such a magnificent explosion of blood and feathers that everything will suddenly feel light, so light. and then i shall float away on the breeze, my heart ruptured and open, content and at ease.
chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-09-09 05:26 pm

i

have a headache and feel irritable

ughhhhhhh

also i finally started tracking my period and it looks like this is going to be the beginning of p.m.s. week?? if i'm going to get pms that is

ughhhhhhhh noooo

time to go work out

need endorphins

T_T
chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-06-25 10:04 am

having worked

a month at my new phone interpretation job

i have to say

i can understand if you're an immigrant and your english is not good and/or you have an accent because you're from one of the dialect-speaking areas of china or something

but english speakers come on

if you're gonna work an english speaking customer service job, at least speak so that a NATIVE english speaker can understand you?? it's amazing to me that the customer service training doesn't put any emphasis on working on really strong accents

:(

other than that, though, when it's not impossibly hard to understand what people are saying, this job is pretty fun :)
chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-05-29 12:13 pm

mmm

my track breakdown

Welcome to New York - girl arrives in ny. parties and flashing lights.
Blank Space - girl meets boy. cat meets mouse.
Style - whirlwind bad boy romance. drama.
Out of the Woods - girl getting attached. bad romance.
All You Had to Do Was Stay - girl dumped. boy returns. girl refuses, angry/heartbroken.
Shake It Off - back to single life. parties, dates. regain pride/confidence. don't give a shit anymore.
I Wish You Would - at night, still misses boy.
Bad Blood - girl-friend drama. some friends are no more. (*cough* katy perry *cough*)
Wildest Dreams - rebound fling w boy #2. sad. not over past hurts.
How You Get the Girl - boy #2 comes back for her. softens. still hurt.
This Love - sweet love w boy #2. beauty. touched.
I Know Places - girl & boy #2 escape paparazzi. dark. hunted. protecting love.
Clean - relationship w boy #2 fizzled over time. girl sad. freed. lonely but standing strong.

i think i isolated what i miss about lj vs facebook.

when i look on facebook, i see lots of happy photos. instagram shots. people posting motivational messages or short one-liner messages or even paragraph messages about how much they have changed, or how they braved it through finals, and how their groups touched them and all sorts of things like that, with many likes and supporting comments.

when i turn back to lj, i see a lot of friends (the ones who are still around) posting aimless detail about their lives, and very often complaining about what troubles them most, venting. there are fewer commentators, but usually people who are closer, read more in depth, thought more carefully about what was said.

i don't see many friends posting public facing happy photos to prove that they're doing great, or show off the life they've been living. even for public facing figures (george r. r. martin, maya, etc.) the posts are longer, more thoughtful, and sometimes contain irritation or very normal human emotions and thoughts in them.

that is my problem with social media. the lack of authenticity. of course everyone's self-esteem is lower that way.

when i meet with friends in person, when i write snail mail or one-on-one emails to my friends, we talk about our problems. i think that used to be what was considered normal, and people would feel more uplifted later on, because they have a different sense of the norm and a different sense of camaraderie. they feel that others share problems similar or worse, and we're all in the same boat fighting through tough times.

when i browse social media, people don't really talk about their problems, they talk about their achievements. and mayyybe problems in a facetious way.

is it any wonder that this generation is the most dissatisfied and never feels like they live up to expectations?
chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-05-26 11:28 pm

1989

I bought Taylor Swift's 1989 to hear what it was all about

I have to say, really love some of these songs

Not the biggest fan of her new experimental style of leaving one keyword at a different range than the rest (e.g. "all you had to do was... STAY", and pretty much every line of the bad blood chorus)

Really loving "I know places", although I wish she changed "foxes" to "hunted" in several of the later verses to match the rhyme. It rhymed with "boxes" but every time I hear the later verses my ears expect to hear "hunted" and "foxes" comes as a bit of a shock.

Also digging "Clean", "This Love", and the parts of "Bad Blood" other than the chorus. "Out of the Woods" also stuck with me after awhile. I have a hard time identifying with lyrics that are overly simple/childish sounding so I just can't get into some of the others. Stuff like "He's so tall and he's handsome as hell" and "I love you for ever and ever" just offend the literary side of me haha. On the flip side, some of the other songs have absolutely amazing lyrics.

Also boy is the sweetest! I was sad and lonely and he took the time out to sit with me and comfort me and talk to me, and we chatted for over an hour about time travel and what we think will happen future and all sorts of crazy stuff, and I felt so much better afterwards. I know he's not the type who's really into cuddling either, so it was really very sweet of him. <3 I really hope his sleeping anxiety gets better soon
chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-04-29 03:55 pm

lovin' life

it's been a while since i've posted! but let me say... everything is going great

piano: i haven't gone out to play as much as i'd like, mostly because the keyboard is heavy :/ and hauling it around is a pain in the butt. i wonder sometimes if maybe i should have bought the lighter 76 key instead, but i think no matter what i get, the keyboard + stand isn't really something i can easily sling over my shoulder and walk around with, unlike a guitar or even a cello

so far the most $$ has been at 12th st bart station, made $40 in a little over an hour! makes me wonder how the going would be in sf, but again, not sure how to lug all my stuff there.

someone introduced me to the heart asks pleasure first and i'm obsessed. i can't stop playing it, and i'm wishing so hard that i had a real grand instead of my beat up old piano >< it's so beautiful!!!!

translation: language line finally got back to me! i had an interview this morning which was pretty chill, and passed. the interviewer then sent me the next online interview for a medical interpreter interview. @__@ i think i messed up a lot, but i'm hoping i do well since medical pays 10c more than general per minute. but so far it sounds like a fun job. i look forward to hearing different people trying to do different things on the phone.

cs: my work paid me! (: i was getting worried about rent bc i literally have been mooching off my old money since february, but i asked them to pay me part of the amount (i was superrr nervous too, boy encouraged me that it was fine) and they gave me the whole thing @___@ now i feel like i should finish everything asap! haha

boy: we had a huge fight awhile back about his nagging. i was seriously ready to leave because i don't think i can stand to be nagged for the rest of my life. but he really listened to me and has barely nagged me since! we're getting along much better than before <3 i think i'm starting to get used to the freelance lifestyle also. it feels much more natural to me than a full-time job, and more relaxing/fulfilling.

i guess... i feel grounded? a lot more than i did when i was in high school or college. i feel like i have roots now, instead of like a floating paper plane blowing in every direction.

I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO THIS SONG. omg it's so beautiful i want to cry
chu_totoro: (rl-- piano)
2015-03-26 12:08 pm

this

is crazy

going to rehearse piano performance outdoors in my sister's backyard today at 2

and checking out the clever eggplant in person tonight, in preparation for a live music appearance early april

i. feel. so. unprepared!
chu_totoro: (Default)
2015-03-20 02:43 am

hamster

is running round and round in circles

round and round and round and round and round

and round and round and round and round and round
chu_totoro: (cute-- squirrels)
2015-03-16 11:08 am

Short moving update

Finally all moved in! And everything packed away enough that there is some semblance of living in a normal house instead of amongst a bunch of boxes and god knows what.

There was a lot of stress with Mr Heater during moving, and at one point I got so mad at him I was ready to throw in the towel, but thankfully I didn't do that because things would be super messy if I had, haha.

Lately I've been reading New Petshop of Horrors and re-reading Petshop of Horrors... oldies are goodies. :)

Getting used to setting my own freelance schedule, now I just need to buy a relatively portable digital piano and finish memorizing another piece or two and I think I'll be ready to go perform with my sister! Exciting times.

Got a lot of stuff to do today so I'll try to hop by with a larger update later.


ps. rip terry pratchet :(
chu_totoro: (random-- green tea)
2015-03-02 01:25 pm

blogging

after giving it a lot of thought, i'm going to start blogging again (: on my dreamwidth/lj. i want to have a documentary of my life, and what i've gradually realized is that i've been putting it off because i keep thinking of posting to facebook, and the narcissism of sharing that much detail of my personal life to the general public (with or without security filters) just disenchants me and i end up just commenting on interesting articles/posting short statuses instead

i think lj is a nice, personal space, full of the people that i like and private to me (:

so here we go!

most of my posts are probably going to be friendslocked because the internet is getting bigger and bigger and i don't really want random employers or colleagues just googling me to happen upon all the nitty gritty details of my life

but if you're already a close friend of mine and want access, just ask (:
chu_totoro: (TRC-- I can see the rainbow)
2014-12-18 10:30 pm

haven't

written for a long time!

i just really hope livejournal (the company) doesn't ever go under or i will cry my heart out

not the biggest fan of their new layout right now :(

i feel like i'm too sentimental about all of the old communities and all of my friends to jump ship

... but maybe i should start porting everything over to wordpress lol

edit: i read of a lot of articles about the demise of livejournal which is starting to freak me out so after a lot of research i think i'm going to make a dreamwidth account and import everything (: but all my stuff will still be cross posted to here
chu_totoro: (FMA-- Al button)
2014-10-26 01:44 am

day n1

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to have a room to myself
i am grateful to have a cool, interesting roommate
i am grateful to know how to cook great recipes from my grandma
i am grateful for my dorky dad
i am grateful for my family
i am grateful for the existence of books
i am grateful to exist

forgiveness
i forgive myself for feeling upset
i forgive myself for not doing everything i wanted to do
i forgive myself for getting easily anxious
i forgive myself for having desires that conflict with others (like not wanting to go home)
i forgive myself for being fearful of people's expectations
i forgive myself for accidentally putting the plastic into the oven
i forgive myself for feeling easily hurt
i forgive myself for having mood swings

i
i am beautiful
i am smart
i can decide for myself what to do with my life
i can do what i want to without feeling guilty
i am capable of handling a lot of stress
i am capable of producing high quality work
i am able to listen to my friends
i can dance


i love the piano
love
love
love
love
i wonder when piano grew to mean so much to me

even though there's just the few songs

and i haven't learned new repertoire in a long time
i love it
i love the sound of the piano

it's so beautiful

i love myself

ok

good night
chu_totoro: (Default)
2014-10-15 08:16 pm

day m1

starting today i'm changing admiration to what i like about myself because i realized that phrasing things as ppl admiring me for this and chat is still giving my power away to others. if i meet a person who doesn't like me, i don't want it to lower my self esteem because i'm so used to judging myself by what others think. and it's probably not healthy to feel bad praising my good qualities when i actually do have good qualities, makes no sense. so starting today i'm going to stop caring what others think!

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to be living in a beautiful place w a gym and pool
i am grateful for my wonderful friends
i am grateful for my bf who is so sweet and worried about me
i am grateful for the exposure i get to new technologies and the amount i get to learn at work
i am grateful for my warm family who is always ready to welcome me home
i am grateful for my housemate who is a pleasure to talk to and doesn't care if i wear underwear around the house (HAHA)
i am grateful for my parents who are hilarious and text me silly puns randomly
i am grateful for the story i wrote in 2009 and the ideas that have been coming to me to mold and expand it
i am grateful for the piano. i love it so much

forgiveness
i forgive myself for my anxiety
i forgive myself for my random irrational fears
i forgive myself for giving my power to others
i forgive myself for not being perfect
i forgive myself for not always living up to my best, but i will strive to do so anyway which is what matters

i like
i like myself
i like that i am willing to make an effort to improve myself
i like that languages come to me easily, and the connections between the different languages
i like that i am able to enjoy going to restaurants by myself, and taking a lot of me-time
i like how i look in the mirror
i like my hair
i like that i am a beautiful person
i like that i can stop caring what others think about me. yayy!
i like that i can fight against the shadow of trying to fit in that i've been under all my life. go me.

<3
chu_totoro: (Default)
2014-09-18 03:10 pm

day l1

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to have a home to live in
i am grateful to have a water bottle
i am grateful to have public transportation
i am grateful to be working at a full time job
i am grateful for my bean bag (lifesaver!)
i am grateful to my boyfriend for helping me out so much with moving :)
i am grateful to my parents for being supportive
i am grateful that i have funny and lovable coworkers
i am grateful for life

forgiveness
i forgive myself for being absent minded
i forgive myself for being sloppy
i forgive myself for making other people unhappy
i forgive myself for not being perfect
i forgive myself for not being able to remember everything in the world, that's totally normal tbh
i forgive myself for getting snappy
i forgive myself for being sensitive
i forgive myself for worrying easily
i forgive myself for making mistakes
i forgive myself for not thinking ahead
i forgive myself for not planning more
i forgive myself for disappointing others
i forgive myself for getting mad at myself ;)
i forgive myself for skipping breakfast

admiration
i have been admired for being quick on the uptake!
i have been admired for reading super fast
i have been admired for being kind
i have been admired for being silly
i have been admired for staying childlike (?)
i have been admired for my work ethic
chu_totoro: (Kenshin-- kenshin & kaoru)
2014-07-27 07:17 pm

day k1

man i am really bad at keeping a streak. it'll be interesting to tally everything up at the end of the year though

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful for grandma's soup
i am grateful for my family
i am grateful for the comfort in which i live
i am grateful for the open mindedness of the people who have surrounded me since i was a child
i am grateful for the weather and the trees
i am grateful for all of the luxuries i have been subjected to since youth (:
i am grateful to be alive, and to have a sharp mind i can use on the world around me to maybe make it a better place

forgiveness
i forgive myself my insecurities
i forgive myself for having flaws
i forgive myself for judging others
(i forgive others for judging me!)
i forgive myself for losing faith in people over time - it's natural, and it's not my responsibility to have faith in everybody all the time especially if they've given me reason not to over the years
i guess what i be trying to say is i forgive myself for not being a positive, upbeat person every moment of every day

admiration
i have been admired for having a good work ethic! (woohoo!)
i have been admired for being kind to others
i have been admired for making a serious effort to change
i have been admired for making soup that is almost as good as my grandma's (except the clams)

gotta add those clams
chu_totoro: (Code Geass-- buh)
2014-07-25 01:30 am

day j1

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to have job offers :D
i am grateful to have the opportunity to examine myself and my motivations
i am grateful to have a warm home and family
i am grateful to have the support of many good friends and a very supportive boyfriend
i am grateful that money always seems to be falling from the sky
i am grateful to my recruiter for being so kind

forgiveness
i forgive myself for being grumpy
i forgive myself for feeling insecure
i forgive myself for feeling sad
i forgive myself for feeling upset by negativity
i forgive myself for easily getting my feelings hurt
i forgive myself for not being empathetic enough

admiration
i have been admired for my critical thinking skills
i have been admired for my ability to get along with other people
i have been admired for being a free spirit
chu_totoro: (random-- abracadabra)
2014-06-29 11:55 am

i'm not

putting up with this kind of fucking emotional abuse anymore

i deserve a guy who loves and treasures me for who i am and doesn't try to emotionally manipulate me into doing things i'm not comfortable with through guilt and pressure

what the FUCK
chu_totoro: (rl-- peach blossoms)
2014-06-10 08:06 pm

haven't done one of these in eons

so i thought i would!

Instructions:
1. Set your playlist on SHUFFLE. [Do not stick to a single band\genre.]
2. The answers to the questions are the songs' titles.
3. When you've answered a question, click "next" on your playlist ONCE [No cheating!!!] to answer the next one.
4. Any commentary should be between (-) or [-] or {-}, whatever you like.
5. Have fun!



1. How are you feeling today?
Beethoven's 5th Symphony, III. Allegro [hey, not bad]

2. What is your motto?
我愛台妹 [whoa. maybe more like 我愛帥哥 ;D]

3. What will be written on your tombstone?
Trail of Broken Hearts [i hope the hearts aren't mine O__O]

4. How can you make yourself happy?
Landing in London (Radio Edit) (ft. Bob Seger) [oo i will keep that in mind]

5. What would be the best thing to do right now?
PDA Mix [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

6. What song describes your love life?
What I've Done [boy that's depressing. if we ignore the fact that this is linkin' park i guess it's ok]

7. What song would you dedicate to your beloved one?
Basket Case [lolol]

8. What song would you dedicate to your worst enemy?
The Edge of Paradise [errr]

9. How do you see yourself?
Beauty and the Beast [aw i loved that movie]

10. How does your family see you?
Inquisition Symphony [are they inquiring me or am i inquiring them?]

11. How do your friends see you?
Daughter [uh...]

12. How do your enemies see you?
Rachmaninov: Prelude #2 in Bb minor [hey :D]

13. What do you say to break the ice?
My personal challenge to you [HAHAHA. this is part of a podcast btw]

14. What are your true thoughts about world peace?
Low [HAHAHA wtf]

15. What is the answer to life?
Absolutely (Story of a Girl) [yesssss]

16. What song will be played at your wedding?
Be My Escape [this can either be very good... or very bad LOL]

17. What song will be played at your funeral?
Brahms: Symphony #3 in F, Op. 90 - I. Allegro con Brio [epic]

18. What song describes your year?
Royal galley [mmm]

19. What's going through your mind right now?
Mutt [like the one sleeping under my desk? lol]

20. What do you think of your friends?
承載著你

21. If you were to publish a book, what would it be called?
Xian: Yellow River Concerto - Defend the Yellow River [no]

22. What are your crush's thoughts on you?
The importance of a [i hope "a" refers to me! xP the song title is cut off]

23. What's the one perfect thing to say at a job interview?
100 Years [i'll make sure to say that tmr]

24. What's the most inspirational thing you've ever said?
Song of the Century

25. If you were to run for president, what would be written on your posters?
Naughty Girl [HAHAHAHA wtf seriously?!]

26. What was that one important thing you forgot to do today?
Longview [that makes no sense]

27. What do strangers think of you when they see you on the street?
Kelix Mix [really now. this is gen2 mix btw]

28. The Ultimate fight song?
Love Will Find a Way [aw ^ ^]

29. You're a news reporter. What's your catchphrase?
Pista 17 [...ok]

30. You're done with the quiz. How do you feel about it?
Under the Stars [...no.]