i want to

Jun. 5th, 2014 03:03 am
chu_totoro: (rl-- piano)
play jazz piano

i wish i could be alone with my piano again

even though i got a piano off the streets and even managed to replace all its keytops i feel like i rarely play because i don't like disrupting people and then i am not disciplined/organized enough to specifically find time when the piano is free to play. i just want to play whenever i feel like it, and stop whenever i feel like it. and if it's not free when i want, then i end up not playing

maybe i'm too conscious of other people

i miss the co-ops

and the little room on the top floor of kcp in tokyo with the stand-up in the corner where i first met weena

i made so much progress on rach 2 back then

:(

i wonder

Jun. 5th, 2014 02:50 am
chu_totoro: (FMA-- Al button)
why am i so easily flustered?

day i1

May. 31st, 2014 11:47 pm
chu_totoro: (FMA-- Al button)
nuuuu i lost my streak. goddamn it.

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to be true to myself
i am grateful to have the chance to admit and accept my flaws
i am grateful for people around me who are willing to accept my flaws
i am grateful to have the chance to contribute towards a good friend
i am grateful to spend time with people i care about who care about me

forgiveness
i forgive myself for not being perfect
i forgive myself for losing track of time easily
i forgive myself for getting caught up in emotions
i forgive myself for being sloppy
i forgive myself for not sleeping enough

admiration
i have been admired for being sweet
i have been admired for being understanding
i have been admired for trying hard
i have been admired for being caring

day h14

May. 28th, 2014 09:29 pm
chu_totoro: (FMA-- exhale)
gratitude
i am grateful that we have a chance to see and experience others lives/thoughts through television, books, movies, music, etc
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful that i am able to sleep in late every day
i am grateful that i have the financial means to buy the things i need for every day life
i am grateful that i have friends who will listen to and support me in times of need

forgiveness
i forgive myself for being unproductive
i forgive myself for not doing whatever is considered not a waste of time - but why was it labelled so to begin with?
i forgive myself for feeling sleepy
i forgive myself for feeling anxious
i forgive myself for judging characters blithely
i forgive myself for not being able to live up to rice's expectations from whatever i can guess at of his expectations

admiration
i have been admired for being sweet
i have been admired for being fun
i have been admired for being pretty
i have been admired for having good style
i have been admired for being able to tie a french braid

day h13

May. 27th, 2014 03:38 pm
chu_totoro: (Kenshin-- kenshin & kaoru)
gratitude
i am grateful that i got a chance to see the beautiful bay
i am grateful that i got to try delicious boba in alameda
i am grateful for my fun, cool new housemates
i am grateful for the people that put so much work and energy into filming this drama i'm watching which has been entertaining me all week
i am grateful for a sweet adorable boyfriend
i am grateful for my adorable egg babies!!! i'm soooo addicted to this game haha
i am grateful to have graduated from one of the finest universities in the world <3333

forgiveness
i forgive myself for feeling sore
i forgive myself for being crankier when i'm hungry
i forgive myself for not being able to take rice out as much as i would like
i forgive myself for not doing as much work as i would like
i forgive myself for taking time to enjoy myself! ^ ^

admiration
i have been admired for writing clean code
i have been admired for being object oriented
i have been admired for having a clean looking resume
i have been admired for being a hard worker
i have been admired for being smart
i have been admired for being a fast reader

edit: omg i haven't liked jun pyo that much up to this point but i think i fell in love with him this episode ㅠㅠ jun pyoooooooo

day h12

May. 26th, 2014 08:52 pm
chu_totoro: (FMA-- Al button)
gratitude
i am grateful for the internet
i am grateful that i learned how to french braid my hair :3
i am grateful for this comfortable apartment i live in
i am grateful for the awesome new housemates that we found
i am grateful that the weather has cooled down some
i am grateful for high quality green tea!!

forgiveness
i forgive myself for feeling anxious
i forgive myself for not doing work that i'm not really obligated to do to begin with
i forgive myself for being unproductive
i forgive myself for not socializing
i forgive myself for letting others down, there's no need to center my life around pleasing others

admiration
i have been admired for my cooking
i have been admired for my skill in languages
i have been admired for being understanding
i have been admired for taking good care of my pets

had

May. 25th, 2014 11:52 pm
chu_totoro: (CTY-- potatoes)
old cty cd on in the car for whatever reason

and OMG i forgot all these good songs existed!!!

GO ON NOW GO
WALK OUT THE DOOR
JUST TURN AROUND NOW
COZ YOU'RE NOT WELCOME ANYMOREEEEEE

...who was the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye you think i'd crumble
you think i'd lay down and die OH NO NOT IIIIIIIIIII


alo?
salut
sunt eu un...
haiduc.

:D

day h10

May. 24th, 2014 12:05 pm
chu_totoro: (Loveless-- rawr!)
gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to have a cute dog
i am grateful to have laundry in the unit
i am grateful to have many roommates that have become lifelong friends
i am grateful for my parents and all the opportunities they've afforded me in my life
i am grateful to my mother for raising me
i am grateful to my friends in japan and korea for showing me a whole new side of the world

forgiveness
i forgive myself for feeling upset
i forgive myself for feeling really, really hurt
i forgive myself for feeling angry
i forgive myself for feeling frustrated
i forgive myself for feeling lonely
i forgive myself for feeling underacknowledged

admiration
i have been admired for my ability to be rational
i have been admired for my dedication
i have been admired for my ability to cope under stress
i have been admired for my creativity
i have been admired for my persistence

day h9

May. 23rd, 2014 01:46 pm
chu_totoro: (FMA-- angry Ed button)
day h9 )

i'm sad about that girl who committed suicide because they outed her as a porn star. i don't know what i would do if people flamed me and hated on me that bad and there was no one on my side. ideally i'd want to tough it out and deal with it but it does sound easier said than done, especially when i get so paranoid just from people teasing me.

and really, people. respect other's decisions, i'm pretty sure they all watch porn anyway so who are they to judge -______________-

day h8

May. 22nd, 2014 04:27 pm
chu_totoro: (Loveless-- rawr!)
it's hard to recenter yourself without school and classes and deadlines to keep busy @__@ but then again i think i'm deserving of a break for a few days at least given that i just concluded my entire undergraduate career!! :)

gratitude
i am grateful for the kind people that surround me in the world
i am grateful to have the chance to take care of a beautiful sweet doggie who is absolutely adorable <3
i am grateful to have health insurance
i am grateful to have had all these skills cultivated for me when i was still too young to really decide what to do with my life. thanks mom and dad, the edge from all of those extra music/art/language/whatever lessons are really starting to show at this stage in life

forgiveness
i forgive myself for unhealthy habits
i forgive myself for being absent minded occasionally. iphone calendar has been saving my life though. like seriously. it has.
i forgive myself for getting irritated. patience is a virtue adela you can do it!!

admiration
i have been admired for being zen
i have been admired for thinking very deeply
i have been admired for self reflection
i have been admired for being random
i have been admired for being carefree

lalala man i'm really hungry

day h5

May. 19th, 2014 06:57 pm
chu_totoro: (cute-- box)
gratitude
i am grateful i had a chance to let out all my feelings before parting for good. thank you carriercat for pushing me into that chance
i am grateful i have such good friends that i can be myself around and laugh with
i am grateful i have the good fortune to graduate from such a great university
i am grateful for my supportive and open-minded parents who have pushed me to become so much of what i am today
i am grateful to the three girls in dresses and heels who passed by me late at night and doubled back to ask me if i was ok and offered to keep me company so that i wouldn't be alone and told me several times to be safe before leaving. little acts of kindness mean more than you know

forgiveness
i forgive myself for getting angry
i forgive myself for being forgetful
i forgive myself for being human
i forgive myself for being righteous
i forgive myself for being insecure
i forgive myself for having an ego and the unkindness it lends itself to

admiration
i have been admired for being a voracious reader
i have been admired for working hard
i have been admired for having interesting thoughts
i have been admired for being creative

day h4

May. 18th, 2014 02:36 pm
chu_totoro: (Default)
4 day streak!

gratitude
i am grateful for my current housemates and that i can get along with most everybody
i am grateful for deciding to take up dance
i am grateful for all the classes my mother sent me to when i was young
i am grateful that i am strong enough now not to have as much back pain etc when i sit around and study and stuff for too long
i am grateful for my college education!!! which is officially ending on wednesday

forgiveness
i forgive myself for being nervous
i forgive myself for being uncertain
i forgive myself for trying to make everyone happy and also acknowledge that it's not going to happen nor is it necessary :)
i forgive myself for the fear of being judged
i forgive myself for fearing i'm not good enough

admiration
i have been admired for being persistent!
i have been admired for being a relaxed person
i have been admired for taking time to enjoy life
i have been admired for being a good listener

read

May. 17th, 2014 03:56 pm
chu_totoro: (Code Geass-- re;)
an online article today which included the below quote, and it really struck me:

‎”There are only two types of people in the world: those who try to stuff their inner emptiness, and those very rare precious beings who try to see the inner emptiness. Those who try to stuff it remain empty, frustrated. They go on collecting garbage, their whole life is futile and fruitless. Only the other kind, the very precious people who try to look into their inner emptiness without any desire to stuff it, become meditators.” –Osho

when i think about it, i've been trying to stuff my inner emptiness for a very long time. and i mean a very, very long time.

introspective history follows )

in the span of these 23 years, i don't think i've ever been ok with admitting that i'm not ok. take, for example, this post from 2010:

Right now I'm kind of depressed. What? Adela depressed?! Hey, it's not that unusual. Come to think of it, I mindbarfed depression for most of 2010, didn't I. Ahaha. ha. ha. I'm actually not as depressed as you think. Really! I'm just so busy that I hardly ever update unless I'm depressed and there's no one to talk to about it.

it's like i feel obligated to convince people that i'm not depressed and i'm actually ok.

even my gratitude exercise is sort of like an exercise to force yourself into a grateful mindset and not be depressed or upset or mad or anything else negative.

i don't think for any moment, in my entire life, have i thought that it was ok to sit with the feeling of emptiness and just acknowledge that yes, i'm lonely. that's ok. and yes, i feel kind of empty too. that's also ok. or really rather that it's not ok at all, but there is nothing wrong with allowing myself to feel not ok, even if it sucks.

i think, for once in my life, instead of fighting loneliness or frantically distracting myself from it or forcing myself to embrace it and reframe it into something holy like "solitude" or "me-time," i'll just acknowledge it and let it be.

hello, world. i'm not ok today, maybe haven't been ever, and that's fine with me.

day h3

May. 17th, 2014 02:57 pm
chu_totoro: (Loveless-- !!)
three day streak!

gratitude
i am grateful to be alive
i am grateful to have tasty dumplings from ranch
i am grateful to have a wonderful group of dancers whom i can call friends
i am grateful for the thoughtfulness and kindness of others, both strangers and friends

forgiveness
i forgive myself for feeling sad
i forgive myself for feeling lonely
i forgive myself for feeling empty
i forgive myself for not feeling good enough to please the world
i forgive myself for being human :)

admiration
i have been admired for being kind
i have been admired for being brave
i have been admired for making tasty tasty soup

day h2

May. 16th, 2014 11:20 am
chu_totoro: (FMA-- Al button)
YEA i remembered. my iphone reminder is actually pretty useful

gratitude
i am grateful to have friends to play and chat with and with whom to share fond memories ^ ^
i am grateful to have long hair again. yay!!
i am grateful to have enough money to afford random technological gadgets without much trouble
i am grateful to my parents for working so hard in their youth and giving so much to us without asking for much in return
i am grateful for this roomy comfortable apartment
i am grateful to all the people around me who taught and encouraged me to read when i was little
i am grateful for all the opportunities i received that other children did not
i am grateful for being able to smile and laugh every day with people i care about. i think that's the greatest joy in life ^ ^

forgiveness
i forgive myself for easily losing track of time
i forgive myself for playing games. FINALS ARE OVER IM DONEEEEEEEEEEEE YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
i forgive myself for being absent minded in general. when i think about it, i am still absent minded but i am so much better than i was a few years ago ^ ^ good job self!
i forgive myself for being messy. actually, i'm not that messy when i think about some of my friends haha. i don't know if they count though...
i forgive myself for complaining. i mean, it's good for yourself to not focus on the negative, but it's not like you're evil if you complain once in a while
i forgive myself for being forgetful of dates
i forgive myself for being a snob sometimes. i am less of a snob than i used to be at least haha

admiration
i have been admired for having long hair!! yay!!!
i have been admired for being professional and responsive
i have been admired for being dedicated
i have been admired for being organized
i have been admired for being sincere
i have been admired for having pet snakes
i have been admired for loving all my pets! because i do!! <333333

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee done with college.... FOREVER!!!! O__O
chu_totoro: (TRC-- omg)
i shall put a notification in my phone and see if that helps >_>

day h1 )

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